Monday, December 13, 2004

Jesus, You Never Realize How Bad Saturday Afternoons suck until College Football Ends

Some random thoughts, besides the title...

I was talking to D@n P*r$chW!tz and I noted that Leinert joins the prestigous group of white college superstars to fail miserably in the pros. This sparked a conversation about near Heisman winners, which prompted Big Poppa to ask,

"And what about Brad Banks? Whatever happened to that guy?"

and because I have too much free time when I'm avoiding actual work, I answered this for him, and the answer is pretty funny.

Turns out Banks was signed in 2003 as an unrestricted free agent by the Washington Redskins after narrowly losing the Heisman award to Carson Palmer. This was a necessity personnel decision made before then-coach Steve Spurrier completely went bug-fuck.

Sure enough, two weeks later, Spurrier decided it was time for a change and signed his old buddy, former Heisman award winner Danny Wuerfell. Without the roster space, Banks was released and has never been heard from again.

The happy side of the story was Danny Wuerfell, who led the Skins to a 14-1 record and an appearance in the Superbowl. This is of course, complete fantasy, much like the world Steve Spurrier lives in.

Dan Young has settled the Detroit fans suck versus Philly fans blow argument, as he shared with me this tasty morsel from a fellow Philly fan:

"We boo safe landings at airports."

If I were Jim Rome, I would say "Strong." Followed by uncomfortable pauses and rhetorical questions and then more uncomfortable pauses.

So, I've been purusing the lines for the bowl games. And salivating. I wish I were a bookie. What a friggin great time this must be for them. NFL playoffs probably get more action, but check some of these out:

Virginia giving Fresno State 5&1/2, with FS coming in at 175 on the line. If I had money, I think FS has earned that much.

Miami Ohio giving Iowa State 3 even at -150 and an over/under of 50.5. We're talking about Miami OH and a Big 12 North team. If i had money, I'm taking the under.

Oklahoma State versus Ohio State, Cowboys giving 2. Not much action, but OK State is pretty safe in my mind, if I had money.

In the OH MY GOD WHY department: California giving Texas Tech 11.5 with the money line at -500. Let me restate that for those that don't gamble. You have to gamble 500 dollars on Cal to win 100. Stay away. Stay far, far away.

Purdue giving 7 to Arizona State, with an over/under of 55.5. If I had money, I'd take the over. Purdue's quarterback kid is just that good.

Louisville giving 14 to Boise State. Boise State is at +400. If you'd rather have fun with a hundred dollars than be safe on it, take BS. I mean, it's about the same in my mind as putting a hundred on roullette.

Bulldogs giving Badgers 7 at +240. Badgers can cover with that defense, if I had money.

Aggies giving Volunteers 3, with the Vols at +130. Hmmm... SEC West winner versus the Big 12 South no.3.... me likey... if I had money.

Auburn giving VT 7. They will be pissed. If I had money, it's worth the -270.

Concerning MNF: The Chiefs didn't choke in crunch time two weeks in a row. If only we hadn't done it four times in the first five games, maybe I wouldn't want to run over my own head.

What can I say about the Missouri Tigers basketball season thus far?

No, seriously. What can I say?

Oh I know. Arkansas beat them. I simultaneously am thrilled and am slamming my head into my desk.

Finally, I must say, Pedro, WHY?!!!!!

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Wait Games

Things in sports I'm waiting on:

1. The Annual Derailment of the "Maybe Grant Hill is finally healthy and will stay that way!" Wagon.

2. The BCS to (hopefully) obliterate itself.

3. Petyon Manning to throw for 350, 4 TDs playing with the Benton County, MO Home for the Elderly all stars.

4. The Heat to play the Lakers and Dwayne Wade after popping for 35-10-2 (versus Kobe's 29-0-0-0) to go running down the court staring at Kobe doing the "You have no marbles!" motion from Major League 2.

5. George Steinbrenner (after watching Star Wars: Episode 2) to fire all the Yankees except for Jeter and Matsui, clone Jeter over and over again, then construct a new starting rotation... of robots.

6. The Royals announce their motto for the 2005-2006 season: "We make good teams better."

7. Carlos Beltran to make his "real" contract demands: One million, billion, gazillion, gogajazillion dollars...."

8. Ron Artest to be arrested. Odds have to be at least 5-1.

9. The city of Philadelphia to rejoice as Detroit overtakes them for "crappiest fans you can imagine."

10. Gary Pinkel to reveal his true identity... HAREY CAREY! "Hey Norm! I think I'll batton down the hatches on one of the best pure athletes in the country, and whenever we have a lead, I think I'll have my head explode like in that movie, "Scanners!" It'll be fun! Hey Norm! If you were a Jayhawk, would you eat yourself? I would! I'd cover myself in barbecue and slow roast myself in herbs and spices! I'd be delicious!" Shoot me.

11. Auburn to invade the Orange Bowl (if they're left out) and beat both teams in succession.

12. USC to jump the shark.

13. Priest Holmes to rush for 350 yards (NFL record) 8 touchdowns (NFL record) and for the Chiefs to still lose. Shoot me, again.

14. Texas fans to lose to A&M and still talk about how they should be in a BCS bowl.

15. It to officially change from the "Ewing Theory" to the "McGrady Theory."

16. Joe Paterno to lock himself in his office after being fired with a shotgun and twenty bags of sunflower seeds as sustenance.

17. Eli Manning to run screaming away from the game Sunday like the rookie pitcher in the beginning of "The Rookie" with Albert Brooks.

18. T.O. to just start referring to himself constantly in the third person.

19. Tom Brady to walk on water, and then Corey Dillon to betray him in the Superbowl.

20. Us to find out that Bill Walton is actually watching a completely separate game on his monitor during broadcast, explaining why NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES SENSE.

21. Stephen A. Smith to start doing all his commentaries with "Stomp" in the background. Hallelujah!

22. The Saints to rename themselves the New Orleans Schizophrenics.

23. ESPN to take Clayton, Pasquerelli, and Kiper and just have their brains digitzed and downloaded into a server system.

24. The Vince trade to go through and the Trailblazers to rename themselves the Egomaniacs.

25. Someone, anyone in the continental United States to notice that the NHL is not playing.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Terrell Owens....What a Dick.

Let's start with the numbers (courtesy of

Terrell Owens-9 Seasons- 647 catches for 9,456 yards and 93 touchdowns.
Randy Moss- 7 seasons- 551 for 8769 yards and 85 touchdowns.
Marvin Harrison-9 Seasons- 806 catches for 10,660 yards and 90 touchdowns.

Yeah, I'm officially sick of the "Terrell Owens/Randy Moss are the best recievers in football/should be MVP" arguments.

And it has little to do with those numbers.

Lets put them in context. Of the three, only Harrison has played his career in a steady, balanced offense with a reliable pro-bowl running back and a quarterback that could probably pull ten catches for 80 yards out of Marlin Brando circa the Island of Dr. Moreau. This only strenthens his case because Peyton can spread the ball. As the Vikings are finding out, Culpepper can't. Not yet, anyway.

Harrison is the only one who is reliable, consistent and most importantly, always comes to play. Marvin is a reciever, therefore blocking is against his nature, but he gets the job done and is in the top of the league at doing so.

But most of all...

Harrison just gets the job done.

No arrests for running over meter maids. No taking plays off because he's not getting thrown to. No fancy shmancy endzone celebrations. No MNF promos with middle age desperate ratings magnets. No trashing former QBs in Playboy. No screaming arguments with Peyton in the middle of a big game if things aren't going well.

All Marvin Harrison has done is, you know, BREAK THE SINGLE SEASON RECEPTIONS RECORD!!!!!!!!!!!

And still, Harrison did not win it.

Yet, when Terrell Owens takes an above average team that relies on its defense and coaching, and which was exposed versus the Steelers to a high winning mark, everyone jumps on the wagon. "Oh, he can gloat like that because he's the best."

Guess what? He's not.

He yelled at Donovan when things didn't go well, just like he yelled at Jeff "Rodny Dangerfield" Garcia. He's a problem that happens to put up good numbers.

Another huge point for Harrison: He makes his team better.

You think Edge is getting 4.5 ypc because of his imposing stature? No, its because teams are doubling up Harrison. And Marvin's still getting the job done.

But he doesn't make headlines. He goes out, wins games, makes catches, scores touchdowns. And he's done it more than TO.

TO is an amzing athlete. And he's having a great season, no doubt.

Unfortunately, he's doing so in the NFC East. And there' s more competition in the NHL than from the Cowboys and Skins this year. But no worries, they won the big game against the Steel---wait.

And when teams lock down on Staley and blitz McNabb, and T.O. doesn't get thrown to, instead of working harder over the middle, he's going to complain and yell at Donovan and Coach Reid.

But that's cool.

Because I have no doubt Marvin will get his ring first.

And he'll wear it with more pride than T.O. has in his pom-poms.