Saturday, November 20, 2004

Wait Games

Things in sports I'm waiting on:

1. The Annual Derailment of the "Maybe Grant Hill is finally healthy and will stay that way!" Wagon.

2. The BCS to (hopefully) obliterate itself.

3. Petyon Manning to throw for 350, 4 TDs playing with the Benton County, MO Home for the Elderly all stars.

4. The Heat to play the Lakers and Dwayne Wade after popping for 35-10-2 (versus Kobe's 29-0-0-0) to go running down the court staring at Kobe doing the "You have no marbles!" motion from Major League 2.

5. George Steinbrenner (after watching Star Wars: Episode 2) to fire all the Yankees except for Jeter and Matsui, clone Jeter over and over again, then construct a new starting rotation... of robots.

6. The Royals announce their motto for the 2005-2006 season: "We make good teams better."

7. Carlos Beltran to make his "real" contract demands: One million, billion, gazillion, gogajazillion dollars...."

8. Ron Artest to be arrested. Odds have to be at least 5-1.

9. The city of Philadelphia to rejoice as Detroit overtakes them for "crappiest fans you can imagine."

10. Gary Pinkel to reveal his true identity... HAREY CAREY! "Hey Norm! I think I'll batton down the hatches on one of the best pure athletes in the country, and whenever we have a lead, I think I'll have my head explode like in that movie, "Scanners!" It'll be fun! Hey Norm! If you were a Jayhawk, would you eat yourself? I would! I'd cover myself in barbecue and slow roast myself in herbs and spices! I'd be delicious!" Shoot me.

11. Auburn to invade the Orange Bowl (if they're left out) and beat both teams in succession.

12. USC to jump the shark.

13. Priest Holmes to rush for 350 yards (NFL record) 8 touchdowns (NFL record) and for the Chiefs to still lose. Shoot me, again.

14. Texas fans to lose to A&M and still talk about how they should be in a BCS bowl.

15. It to officially change from the "Ewing Theory" to the "McGrady Theory."

16. Joe Paterno to lock himself in his office after being fired with a shotgun and twenty bags of sunflower seeds as sustenance.

17. Eli Manning to run screaming away from the game Sunday like the rookie pitcher in the beginning of "The Rookie" with Albert Brooks.

18. T.O. to just start referring to himself constantly in the third person.

19. Tom Brady to walk on water, and then Corey Dillon to betray him in the Superbowl.

20. Us to find out that Bill Walton is actually watching a completely separate game on his monitor during broadcast, explaining why NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES SENSE.

21. Stephen A. Smith to start doing all his commentaries with "Stomp" in the background. Hallelujah!

22. The Saints to rename themselves the New Orleans Schizophrenics.

23. ESPN to take Clayton, Pasquerelli, and Kiper and just have their brains digitzed and downloaded into a server system.

24. The Vince trade to go through and the Trailblazers to rename themselves the Egomaniacs.

25. Someone, anyone in the continental United States to notice that the NHL is not playing.

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