Tuesday, July 25, 2006

QuickStop, meet the 3-4. 3-4, meet the QuickStop.

Me: I need a theme for an NFL preview.

Jason: ooh, do an nfl preview relating to characters in kevin smith movies.

Me: genius.

why? because I have too much time on my hands waiting on NPs to get done saving the world and fill out application forms...

Without Further A Do...

THE 1ST ANNUAL ViewAskewniverse GridirionPREVIEW!


How I Stole Yet Another Sports Guy Idea....

AFC East:
New England Patriots: Bartleby (Dogma) "We're going home, Loki! And no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself, is gonna make that otherwise. "

Smug. Arrogant. Consistent. Seemingly immortal. Yes, those pesky 3 of 4ers are the angel Bartleby, one of Ben Affleck's most likeable roles. This year the Patriots inspire the same conversations as always. "How good will Tom Brady be THIS year?" and "Who the hell is that guy playing corner who just made the ProBowl?" and the ever popular "How will they manage to screw the Colts this time?"

It's a toss-up between the Patriots and the Dolphins for the East. I'm giving the edge to the Patriots based on experience, the Brady factor, and Bellichek's obsession. I think in the end, much like Bartleby, they'll be destroyed by greater forces in crunch time.

Miami Dolphins: Chaka Luther King. (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2. "
Arrogant. Angry. Dictatorial. Sound like Nick Saban, only Black as all hell? Dolphins get Culpepper, with fresh new sea legs to go along with a fresh new sea knee. They've gotten back their defensive swagger, and Ronnie Brown is a punisher. The yearly comparison between him and fellow Auburn rookie class of 2005 Tampa Bay Buc Cadillac Williams is going to be awesome. But they're young, and still trying to make the transition from an aging, powerful but limited team to a young, powerful but limited team. It's possible that they could contend for a division title. Or it's possible that Joey Harrington could end up starting. And then, you know.

New York Jets: Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "Wow. That was just an incredibly daring escape."

In a long line of idiots in the View Askewniverse, it's a tie for top honors between Willenholly played by my brother's favorite, Will Ferrell and Holden from Chasing Amy for the "you fucking moron" award. Completely inept, kind of funny when you look at it, and if he hadn't been in the movie, you wouldn't have noticed. That's the Jets.

Buffalo Bills: Caitlyn Bree (Clerks). "So, we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?"

Caitlyn screwed around with Dante, and she ended up having sex in a convenience store bathroom with a dead guy.

The Bills screwed Drew Bledsoe, and they got J.P. Losman.

Seems equalitive.

AFC North:
Cincinatti Bengals: Hooper LaMount (Chasing Amy) "The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary."

Two sided personality. On the surface, cold, disciplined, brutal. In reality, kind of soft, educated, and prone to indulgance. The Bengals should have gained ground in the offseason. In reality, they just gained warrants and court fees. Still, they've got one of the best quarterbacks in the league (coming off of knee surgery), a solid running game (coming off a disappointing season), a dynamic receiver (who is three dance steps away from a suspension), and an intimidating defense (as long as it makes bail). Still, I think Palmer takes them to the conference title. How they bounce back from imprisonment will determine their playoff fate.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Azrael (Dogma) "No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air."

The biggest villain in the View Askewniverse. Interesting. Funny. But God, what a schmuck. Last season those mouth breathers got the Browns, Texans, and 49ers in three of their last four games while my Chiefs faced playoff contenders every week. Same record. Steelers get the Wild Card by one game. They face the Bengals, who were playing well, on their way to probably winning easily behind Palmer's cannon. Late hit. Massive inury. Steelers win. Who's behind that? Satan. Play the Colts. Manage to blow a considerable lead. Nick Harper's just got to head for the sideline and he's gone. He runs back infield because of his injured leg. Ben tackles him. Then. THEN Vanderjagt misses a 30+ field goal. Who could have engineered that? Satan. AFC Championship Game. Plummer remembers he's Plummer. Probably because the Morning Star told him. Super Bowl. Three. 3!!!!!! Horrible calls. Who could have rigged this game? Not Tags. No, no. Beelzebub.

Just as he came to collect on Kurt Warner, the fallen Son will collect on the Steelers. It started by them losing Randle El. It continued with Big Ben getting carved up like Road Rash. It will continue with reality coming back.

Not that I'm bitter.

Baltimore Ravens: Steve Dave (various)"Holy Shit. Un-ban us. This guy'll suck your dick."

This guy appears for about thirty seconds per-movie, drops a one-liner, his friend says "Tell 'em, Steve-Dave" and that's it. Much the way the Ravens appear for about thirty seconds, then vanish, this season with a new tagline: "Steve McNair on IR."

Cleveland Browns: Veronica Loughran (Clerks) "Ummm... 37. "

Veronica sucked 37 dicks. (Not in a row). The Browns have brought in a ton of new players. They signed Willie McGinnest, which is worth like, 8-12 dicks right there. Plus they've traded players over the last few years. Yet still, we all kind of hope they get better. The city lost it's team and then that team won the Super Bowl, for God's sake. We want to see them succeed, much the way we want Dante to stop being a douchebag with Caitlyn and appreciate the girl that brings him lasagne.

AFC South:
Indianapolis Colts:Loki (Dogma) "Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer. "

Unlimited power. The Angel of Death. Kind of a sweet guy. Destroyed by his partner and brother Bartleby in the end. Yes, something always keeps the Colts down, regardless of the wings and flaming sword. I will say the same thing I always say. "Eventually, Peyton's going to overcome everything." Peyton did his job last year. They won the most games. He got home field. He drove them the lenght of the field, setting up the game tying field goal (and you know there's no way that team loses in overtime). Vanderjagt fucked him. And no, he shouldn't have questioned his offensive line. And no, they shouldnt' have gotten rid of Edge. But he's still the best qb in the league, with a great defense, and an awesome core of receivers. They're still going to do what they do best. Kill people. No, not you.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Randall Graves (Clerks, Clerks II) "Fuck you, GoBot."

So much potential. So little motivation. The second funniest character in the View Askewniverse (behind Brodie) is similar to the Jags. Interesting, and dangerous when motivated. With Jimmy Smith retiring, the Jags are gearing their future behind brittle qb Leftwhich and Matt Jones (who?). Tough defense, and they cause serious problems for the top tier teams they face. Unfortunately, they're always stuck one gear short of where they need to be. And really, how do they contend without the Show? We're going to need a bigger boat.

Tennessee Titans: Elias (Clerks II) "One ring to rule them all..."

I loved this kid in Clerks II. He's the biggest dork you'll ever see. He's a transformers fan. He thinks there's a troll in his girlfriend's vagina. And by the end, he's high as a kite, drinking himself stupid and jerking off to something really fucked up. In other words, looks like shit, but has potential. Meet the Titans with Vince Young. The big concern here is that the Titans are looking at trading Chris Brown, which could seriously fuck up their running game, if Lendell White doesn't peel back on the White Castles by the start of the season. People would say that getting rid of Steve McNair was blasphemy, but the sonofabitch has more holes in him than a holy bartender. They've got building blocks, including the Chosen One.

Houston Texans: Julie Dwyer. (Clerks). (no line applicable because she has an embolysm and dies before Clerks starts)

Dead before the movie/season starts.

AFC West:
Denver Broncos: Jay (various)
Jay is obnoxious. Plummer is obnoxious. Jay is a fuckup. Plummer is a fuckup. Jay occasionally stumbles his way into greatness. Plummer stumbled his way into the fucking AFC championship game. Jay is willing to lie, cheat, steal to get what he wants. The Broncos offensive line makes Bertuzzi look like Lance Armstrong. Yes, the Broncs are definitely snootch to the nooge. I don't really think they'll win the division. I refuse to believe that Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne can get to 1500 yards again, and Plummer won't forget he's Jake Plummer like he did last season. That said, I'm terrified of Javon Walker. Oh yeah, and the latent homosexuality in terms of Mike Shanahan makes me giggle.

Kansas City Chiefs: Silent Bob (various) "Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things."

What, you thought I was going to give my team a shitty character? No, no. Think about it, though. Hampered by Jay (or as Holden says, speaking for Bob, in JaSBSB: "Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"). Kind of slow, but resourceful and skillfull. We're Chasing Amy, having seen the light of a championship, but lost it back in '63. As always, I believe this year will be the year. With Johnson the scariest running back in the league, DJ coming into full form, Trent Green with 1-2 more good years left, and our new addition of Ty Law (Jedi Mind Trick), we could make a run.

Or, you know, Bob could sit there and smoke, like always.

Side note: no one scares me more for the future of my franchise than Larry Johnson. Peterson selected Johnson because he recognized his talent, but Holmes was Vermeil's guy (rightfully so). He's angry. All the TIME. He's friends with Jay-Z. Is there anyone more likely to bug out on my team than this guy? Him ditching us would send the Chiefs back into running back by committee hell. Kill me. Oh yeah, and there's always the chance for the "KCPD respond to Johnson house on reports of screams, odd smell." The guy's a fucking psycho. That could run for 2,000 yards this season.

San Diego Chargers: T. S. Quint (Mallrats) "How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court? "

Means well, but really annoying. Also, doesn't Schottenheimer remind you of the kind of guy that would want to get married on the Jaws ride at Universal Studios?

Oakland Raiders: The Golgothan.(Dogma) Evil, dangerous, full of shit. In the end, will ultimately be vanquished by the forces of good. And by the fact that Aaron Brooks is their QB.

NFC East:
Washington Redskins: Leonardo Leonardo (Clerks: The Animated Series) "Well played, clerks. "

Leonardo attemps to rule the world by buying whatever he wants. Hmmm...Daniel Snyder anybody? I think this is the year that Leonardo is victorious. I like the Skins to win the Division. They've got everybody from last year's playoff team, plus Randle El. They only lost Arrington, who was big, but they can cover. And Portis is due for one of those "Oh, yeah, remember? I was an MVP candidate three years ago" years. Santana Moss has finally found a system he can work in. Unfortunately, the end will come when there's no one to get those weapons the ball, as Brunell passes away from old age.

NY Giants: Gwen Turner (Mallrats) "Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?"

The most underrated character in the View Askewniverse and the one girl I have the biggest crush on in the View Askewniverse. Tiki Barber, always a 900-1,000 yard back. The younger Manning brother, who's learning curve keeps sharpening. Yet, no one talks about them. Need to overcome the defensive questions and Strahan's cap room opening up in two years will help tremendously. But for now, they're stuck in the hardest division with not enough weapons.

Dallas Cowboys: Shannon Hamilton (Mallrats) " That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair. "

The second biggest villain in the View Askewniverse. Immensely cocky. Kind of a douchebag. Style over substance. How BOUT them Cowboys? With the addition of T.O. its' pretty clear that the Cowboys are headed to the same fate as Shannon. Looking like victory is within reach, only to find that he is the one getting fucked in a very uncomfortable place (like the back of a Volkswagen).

Philadelphia Eagles: Alyssa Jones (Chasing Amy) "I love you, I always will. Know that. But I'm not your fucking whore."

Alyssa goes through a world of shit (T.0.) and comes out better on the other side. I like the Eagles to be better than they were last year, and to be a solid football team enjoying football again. Unfortunately, much like Alyssa's being a woman, they'll never get to fuck anything as long as McNabb is the QB. But that's okay, she was happier as a lesbian anyway.

NFC North:
Chicago Bears: Banky Edwards (Chasing Amy) "YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!"

Vicious. Fucked up. Insecure. Welcome to life as the NFC North Champ. Banky has a seious complex, because he's actually gay (much like the bears are actually a finesse team. C'mon! Florida QB! Dynamic wide receiver core! Slash and dash running game!). Banky is also incredibly funny, author of my favorite quote from the View Askewniverse. "filled out like an application." Banky ends up okay, when he gets to know himself. Same deal with the Bears. I like them for the NFC Championship game.

Minnesota Vikings: Chrissy (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "..we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches."

The rest of the NFC North are the environmental terrorist/jewel thieves. Ridiculous, useless, and pretty much there to pad the season.

Green Bay Packers: Sissy (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "Your shit is really getting tired, Justice."
The Packers get the leader of the "issies" because they have Bret Favre, and Ahman Green. In the end, Justice kicks her ass. Pretty much same deal here. Though I don't like how comfortable everyone's gotten with betting against Bret Favre...

Detroit Lions: Chrissy (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "Great, he's retarded to boot." I have nothing to say about her. Um.... the Harrington Era is over? Hail John Kitna?! Wait. I know! Fire Millen!

NFC South:
Carolina Panthers: Brodie Bruce (Mallrats) "Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies."

The coolest character in Mallrats and funniest in the View Askewniverse goes to my Super Bowl pick, the Panthers. Vicious, arrogant, extremely capable once they are able to apply themselves. And now they have a diluted Keyshawn to take the heat off. Now if that kid (the Bucs) would just get off the damn escalator!

Tampa Bay Bucaneers: Lance Dowds (Clerks II)

The bad guy that wins. That's pretty much the Bucs. You sort of like Dowds, even when he's trashing Dante and Randall. And he offers to help out Elias. I like the Bucs for the Wildcard, probably losing in the second round. .

Atlanta Falcons: Rene Mosier (Mallrats)

Brody's girlfriend. Appropriate. Gets fucked by Brody, has her moments of strength, and is the second hottest girl in the movie, even though her character is a little flat. Michael Vick, anyone?

New Orleans Saints: Rufus (Dogma) "That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks"

I'm trying to wish some good luck on them. But they have some potential, now, with Brees and Bush. These guys could shock the hell out of everyone and contend for a WildCard.

NFC West:
Seattle Seahawks: Dante Hicks (Clerks, Clerks II) "I'm not even supposed to be here today!"

Even though they did get jobbed by the refs, the Seahawks whined so bad after the Superbowl even I was disgusted. They can still drive a film though, much the way Dante helped carry Clerks II. Limited by Hubris. I think they'll suffer from Super Bowl loser hangover.

St. Louis Rams: Tricia Jones AKA "Trish the Dish" (Mallrats) "Nobody calls me that."
Has sex with everyone. She ends up having an award winning book. Smart, small, and sluttly. The St. Louis original. Constantly searching for validation, even though they won the Superbowl 4 years ago.

Arizona Cardinals: William Black (Mallrats) "Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat. "
William is constantly staring into the 3d picture looking for the fabled schooner... I mean, sailboat. Wait, a schooner is a sailboat. There is no Easter Bunny. The last parts of the movie indicate that he does see it,eventually. Maybe this is the year, with Edge, Warner healthy and a backup in Leinert, and a new stadium, that the Cardinals finally see the sailboat. I mean, schooner.

San Francisco 49ers: Serendipity. "So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck."

The muse that can kick some ass. The 49ers are building a solid team. They've got the looks of Salma Hayek, they just need a role.

I need a hobby.


1 comment:

jester0165 said...

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