No One Suspects the Fullback

I'm asking for it, I know

2007-06-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

Please allow me to utiilize the full power of the blogosphere by making a completely uninformed opinion. I believe that if Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal were forced to play with inferior racket technology, Rafael Nadal would beat Federer consistently on any surface.

The improved racket technology obviously increases the speed at which all shots are hit. However, the greatest advantage comes on the serve, when no adjustments need to be made. This gives an advantage to the players who specialize in big serves. A bigger serve increases the number of aces and thereby decreases the numbers of points in which the ball is in play.

This shift in the game decreases the importance of strategy as well. There is no need to create shots that magnify your opponent's weaknesses if the ball can be hit so hard nobody can even get to it. The older rackets demanded that players focus more on placement than rocketing their shots past.

The serve-and-volley game exploded in the 90s, not coincidentally with the exponential acceleration in racket technology. Pete Sampras won so many Grand Slams because his game revolved around his powerful serve and three of the four Slam tournaments are played on hard courts or grass - surfaces that benefit his type of game. It is for this reason I will always believe Andre Agassi was the better pure tennis player...at least after he cut his hair.

Put Roger Federer on clay and he goes from being a legendary player to just a great one. Why? The clay surface slows down his shots and takes his greatest weapon away - his power, especially on his serve. Giving him an inferior racket would do the same on any surface. Rafael Nadal would lose the same power, but his superior shotmaking and strategizing would conquer Federer's serve and blistering forehand.

Now it's your turn to give me the myriad reasons why I'm hopelessly wrong.

2007-06-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard about Michael Jordan's fun as a newly single man. You might have heard that he had a lot of fun. But what about the other side? What were they thinking? Thankfully, Hubie Brown is here to sort it all out:

You're a 15 year old girl who could pass for 21. You're incredibly attractive and well endowed. Now let's say you're mature beyond your years, so the boys in high school interest you little if at all. Now you find yourself on vacation at a remote Caribbean island with less restrictive laws than the U.S. You're allowed to inbibe alcoholic beverages in public. You're at a nightclub when a handsome, slightly older African-American gentleman approaches you. At first you don't recognize him, but then you say to yourself, "Holy smokes, it's Michael Jordan!" Now you're presented with a quandary: This man, who is old enough to be your father, finds you alluring and requests the pleasure of your company. You're very excited, due in some small part to the rum you've been drinking, and you allow yourself to be whisked away by this man. The next morning you wake up conflicted. You just had a passionate evening with the greatest basketball player who's ever lived, but if this escapade had occurred in your home country it would have been at least a misdemeanor. What do you do?

Where Can Bryant Go?

2007-05-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

So Kobe has had enough and wants out. The tough part is actually not finding a place for him to go, it's finding a place he WANTS to go.

Let's rule out a few places:

1.Miami: Why would you want to put them back together after everything, even if they have made up? And why would you do that to your star?
2.New York: The Knicks could only pull off a trade if they used a time machine to switch their team with the one from 10 years ago. And even then they'd be hemorrhaging picks.
3.Atlanta: No way Kobe goes anywhere he can't win a championship within 4 years.
4. LAClipper: The only way that deal gets done is if they trade Brand, which would be the only incentive for Kobe to sign there.
5.Any small market team, anywhere. Kobe can spout off all he wants about playing to win, but he's got to be somewhere his image can grow. He's been partying with models and rock stars for ten years, not like he's going to stop all of a sudden, just because he's landed in Milwaukee or somewhere. So he won't land in Milwaukee or somewhere.

ONLY places Kobe can be traded.

1.Phoenix
2.Chicago
3.Minnesota
4.Dallas
5.New Jersey- hear me out.
6. Portland (and thereby the end of the world)

Jersey makes the most sense. Why? Because here's what you need to win with Kobe Bryant (besides Shaq and for the referees to suck your dick a la 2001). You need a rebounder, a point gaurd to run the offense, and a number two scorer to play the pippen to his jordan. That's it. And Jersey can get that done.

Let's look at our options. Kobe will only go to a team with two qualifiers:
1. A team that can win now, as in, next three years.
2. A team in a large market, or at least notable NBA franchise.

refer to these as q1 and q2

1. Phoenix:
q1: yes
q2: sorta

trades:
1. Amare, Raja Bell, first rounder in 2007, second rounder in 2008.
- this is the only way they don't give up the Hawks pick next year, and would be HORRENDOUSLY STUPID.
2. Marion, Bell, Barbosa, and the Hawks pick next year.
- If they do manage this, they better somehow figure out a three way trade with someone in the teens this year so that they can get a backup pointgaurd for Nash. This makes a ton of sense. Sadly, it means I completely abandon my Suns fanship.

ESPN NBA Trade Machine Approved: the marion trade. Amare's actually not making enough to warrant this trade. Isn't that odd?

2. Chicago
1.Yes
2.Yes
Chicago makes a TON of sense. The house that Jordan built, the young nucleus, the defensive presence/rebounder in Wallace, the young pieces to make the trade. It's sad, but this is a way better deal than any KG deal.

trades
-Luol Deng (don't start, Kobe is more valuable, and you know it), Ben Gordon, 1st round pick in 2008.
It sounds insane to give up Deng, but at least this way you keep Thomas, you keep Hinrich, and you've got your 2007 pick to get another scorer/rebounder.
-Gordon, #9 pick in 2007, 1st round pick in 2008, Chris Duhon, Tyrus Thomas
Gordon's going to have to be in any deal. With Kobe there, there's no longer any use for him. Losing Thomas would be a huge mistake for them. But then again, it's Kobe, and putting Kobe with Hinrich, Deng, and Wallace would be worth it, because they would win the East by approximately 2000000000000000 games.

ESPN NBA trade machine approved: none. no one makes enough to cover Kobe besides Wallace, and he's trade restricted and wouldn't be moved anyway. Bulls are kind of fucked here, unless they want to pay the luxury tax out the ass or restructure somebody's contract (hi, Kirk Hinrich, want to win a championship?)

3.Minnesota
q1: no
q2: kind of
x-factor: KG.

trades:
-Wow, they need help. They don't have any sexy picks, and no good players besides KG. But, they have a ton of expiring contracts after next season. So, let's try.

-Randy Foye, Mark Blount, Mike James, and Troy Hudson, first round pick in 2008, second round pick in 2007 and 2008. These are the only players of value, and they're all for about 3-4 years, besides Foye, who is the only valuable part of the trade. The Wolves would have to sign Will Ferrell to play small forward, and even then, might be the only NBA team to play 4 on 5.
-Ricky Davis, Randy Foye, Rashad McCants, Troy Hudson and the 2007 or 2008 first round pick. Well, then. Davis is the biggie, here, cleaning off 6.4 million after 2007-2008 season. All in all, the Lakers would clean about 10 mill of the books, if they let Foye go. They're stuck with Troy Hudson, BUT, this means they're in prime position to make a move in the 2009 season for LeBron, Wade, or Melo. If I'm Lakers Management, this is the route I'm going. Suffer for two years, then sign LeBron James and kill everyone for another 5 year spurt.

NBA Trade machine approved: both.

Dallas
q1: absolutely
q2: yes

Weird to think of him in Texas, but this again makes a lot of sense. Cuban wants the homerun, everyone wants him to blow up the team, but he won't... unless he can get someone that can score 80 a night and sell out every game for the next 7 years.

trades:
-I tried every possible combination to get Kobe and Dirk on the same team. No go. All the big contracts are long, all the short contracts are small. Apparently their GM's plan was to win a championship this year, and then suffer for the next decade. So...
-Dirk Nowitski, Devin Harris, #1 pick in 2007 and second round pick in 2008. I know that seems like a lot, given that Dirk is the MVP, but Kobe is undeniably a bigger value, and it's not like Dirk's stock is that high right now. But this is actually a good fit, and works under the cap. You know have for the Lakers:
1.Devin Harris
2.anyone you can find in the draft
3. Kwame Brown
4. Dirk Nowitski
5. Lamar Odom.

That's not a bad team. It's not a great team, but it's the closest way for you to look like you're not getting hosed, and you can trade dirk again in a year, or negotiate to pay him more money for less time and get him off the books.

for the mavs, you've got
1.Jason Terry
2.Kobe Bryant
3.Josh Howard
4.Eric Dampier
5. Desagna Diop

and that pretty much fills the formula I referenced earlier, point gaurd, rebounders, secondary scorer.

Trade approved: yup. Amazingly enough, Dirk is pretty tradeable.

New Jersey:
q1: barely
q2: WOAH YEAH.

This makes the most sense to me. Why? Kobe will not shut up about wanting to play with a point guard like Kidd. specifically, Kidd. And this moves him from LA to Jersey... to Brooklyn. The Brooklyn Nets begin play in 2009. Imagine Kobe. In New York. Hooootttt.

trades:
Let's assume for this discussion that Carter's gone in free agency. Good riddance, you're getting Kobe F'ing Bryant.
-Jason Collins/sign and trade with Mikki Moore, Richard Jefferson, first round pick in 2007, second round pick in 2009.
The best case scenario would be to keep Jefferson, but it just ain't happening, since he's the only player of value on the Nets with the contract. Trading Kidd would defeat the purpose. If this trade goes down, there have to be follow up trades with another team. Lakers would almost certainly have to get rid of Odom or Bynum, and more than likely the Nets have to pick up a rebounder, someway somehow.

Portland:
Yes, I know that Portland is guaranteed to win a championship inside four years. I know they have the best future of any NBA franchise. That's just it. They're an NBA franchise, therefore stupidity is the apple of Eden for them.

q1: Um....yeah.
q2: It'll be a major NBA city after they win six championships!

trades
-I can't believe the numbers on this work, but.... Zach Randolph, La Marcus Aldridge, and first round pick in 2008. It doesn't seem like enough, but the Lakers would have such heat from Kobe for this deal... Jesus.

1.Brandon Roy
2.Kobe Bryant
3.Gregg Oden

You don't need forwards. That's it. Just put those three on the court, and they'll win 60 games.

option 2:

-brandon roy, Zach Randolph, and first rounder in 2009/second rounder in 2007.

DUMB. But, hey, the thought could be, "let's just put oden/durant and kobe together, and we can find people in a year to do the rest."

Worst case scenario:
-the #1 pick in the 2007 NBA draft, La Marcus Aldridge, and Raef LaFrentz.

Well, you've got Brandon Roy, Kobe Bryant, and Zach Randolph!

U-S-A! U-S-A!

2007-04-25T20:58:00.001-07:00

We all know soccer is not the biggest sport in this country. Very few kids have dreamed of growing up to become professional soccer players. But what if they did? I know this country has enough natural athletes who would have excelled in the sport if they pursued it*. Below is a possible starting XI (that's how it's written) for Team USA, including current position and team. Please note: this lineup is built using a customary 4-4-2 formation.
*I tried to include hockey players; I really did. All I kept coming up with was either Chris Chelios or Mike Modano and they're just too old. America has given up on hockey. Oh well, more for soccer, right?

Goalie: Joe Mauer (C, Minnesota Twins)
I always thought the skills that make someone a good catcher would translate to a good goalie. Mauer gets the nod only because the 2006 World Cup would have marked the end of Jason Kendall's career. As long as I'm being entirely speculative, might as well take it all the way, no?

Left back: Bruce Bowen (SF, San Antonio Spurs)
He's getting up there in years, but he's the only one who could contest Peter Crouch on headers, and besides, he would be brutal on prima donnas like Zlatan Ibrahimovic or Christiano Ronaldo. Step over deez nuts, bitch.

Center backs: Torii Hunter (CF, Minnesota Twins) and Ed Reed (S, Baltimore Ravens)
Hunter would also be great defending set pieces with his hops, and Reed's ability to survey the entire field and anticipate plays would lead to many intercepted crosses.

Right back: Champ Bailey (CB, Denver Broncos)
Bailey's natural cover abilities would translate easily to soccer. There's no way he'd leave some streaking midfielder unmarked down the side.

Left midfielder: Michael Vick (QB, Atlanta Falcons)
You can't tell me he wouldn't have some sick moves to go with his blazing speed. Plus, he has an international moniker and he could spread good cheer and, well, you know, to other countries.

Center midfielders: Gilbert Arenas (PG, Washington Wizards) and Chris Paul (PG, New Orleans Hornets)
Arenas is the guy who can do it all - create plays for himself or set up his teammates. Besides, he's a great quote all the time and to see him interact with players from around the world (and blog about other countries) is too much to pass up. Chris Paul, while a young guy on the team (Jason Kidd just misses the cut), would still make for a helluva playmaker and lead the team in assists.

Right midfielder: Reggie Bush (RB, New Orleans Saints)
His otherworldly agility makes his selection a no-brainer. He would pack the house in whatever sport he played, so whatever. He's the best.

Strikers: Allen Iverson (PG, Denver Nuggets) and Dwyane Wade (SG, Miami Heat)
Would AI's killer crossover translate to his feet? I see no reason why not. Wade has a nose for the hoop, so changing that to the back of the net isn't much of a stretch. I figure by this point you have the idea, anyway.

Bring on the Brazilians!

Mat-titude!

2007-03-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

So, for the second week in a row, Mizzou is in Sports Illustrated — and, unlike last week, this time it's positive coverage:

Our wrestlers are awesome.

Under ninth-year coach Brian Smith, the Tigers have risen from the depths of the Big 12 to No. 3 in the country and, thanks largely to [undefeated-over-the-past-two-years Ben] Askren, muscled past reigning four-time national champ Oklahoma State in their conference.

The depths of the Big 12, indeed. That's where they were our freshman year, when I watched them scrape out a tie against Missouri Valley (an NAIA school!) in the Hearnes Fieldhouse. They went 7-10-1 (0-4 in the Big 12) that season, their ninth losing one in a row.

But not only is it great that MU is doing so well — eight wrestlers are going to this weekend's national championships, two of them seeded first in their weight classes — I'm just as happy by this picture:

Look closely: That match is in the Hearnes Center. The wrestlers are no longer relegated to the Fieldhouse, which most students know as "where they have the blood drives, which no longer earn sororities points." And there are people there too! So maybe the student body is noticing after all.

Since we've all been wondering what he's up to

2007-03-08T15:20:00.001-08:00

For the last year, Snyder has split time between his home in Charlotte, N.C., and a beach house he's rented in Wilmington, N.C., friends say. He took the year off to relax and take stock of his life.

and

Since [Krzyzewski] has a tendency to only employ former players as assistants, the gossip has Quin Snyder, laying low since his scandal filled run at Missouri[,] possibly returning to Durham. Snyder was responsible for some of the Blue Devils most talented teams, including being the point person in the recruitment of Elton Brand and Corey Maggette, the kind of guys Duke doesn’t currently have. So Snyder gets a safe port and an image makeover and Duke gets a big-time recruiter.

Also, note that the Star reporter says that Alden looked "tan."

Mizzou: One Year Later [KC Star]
As Good As It Gets [Yahoo Sports]

We're in!*

2007-03-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

And solidly so, too! With a smaller field this year, and more automatic bids, I didn't know if we'd make it.

Bring on DePaul!

And shush — in a rebuilding year, I think this is a noteworthy achievement.

*Er, that is, on the off chance we don't knock off Texas, A&M and kU on our way to the Big 12 title, thus securing an automatic bid.

A loyal fan's I-hate-to-admit-it question

2007-03-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

Sports Illustrated's well-done, even-handed and thorough package about big-time college sports this week* brought to the surface some sentiment that I've held for quite a while. Particularly noteworthy is a sidebar about Sean Coffey, wide receiver at Mizzou from 2001 to 2004. An excerpt:

*I'd link if it were online. What's up with that, SI?

Even though he was from the inner city and had no interest in farming, Coffey followed the advice of athletic department academic counselors and became an agriculture major. "All the athletes start in ag because it's easy," says Coffey. On the recommendation of an athletic department adviser he eventually switched his major to hotel and restaurant management (another subject in which he had no interest). "Our academic people's job is to keep us eligible," he says. "They know every class and which ones are easiest."

(I'll get this out of the way now: To be fair, Coffey's experience doesn't represent all athletes'; Brad Smith, for one, already had a business administration degree and was working on his master's during his last season of college. But we all know such cases are rare in the big-money sports.)

Don't get me wrong: I'm not someone who looks upon college sports with disdain. Anyone who's known me for even a day or two knows that. On the contrary, I attended almost every home football game while I was in college (many of them three or four body-paint-and-Alan-Jackson-filled hours early), camped out for good basketball seats four times (five if you include sleeping in Earl in an Athens, Ga., parking lot) and probably was in the 95th percentile of students attending women's games.

All the same, though, stuff like this that sheds light on the "student" side of "student-athlete" — not to mention the millions of dollars involved in "amateur" sports — make me wonder at what point the athletic department goes from serving the university (and the students) to being its own for-profit entity that exists for its own sake. Would MU's mission to provide a solid education be served better without the big-time, big-money sports program?

(This is also related to my distract-the-students-so-they-won't-realize-how-many-classes-are-taught-by-TAs theory.)

And for all your "Wait! But what about ..." objections, I highly recommend the book Beer and Circus by Murray Sperber, who examines, among other things, the oft-touted notion that athletic departments are self-funding.

And now, to watch us upset the Aggies.

Naming rights! (attention: much geekery ahead)

2007-02-28T11:11:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't heard, the TaCoTex* is getting a big fancy football stadium. Well, even the high school stadiums here are big (10,000) and fancy (luxury boxes), but I'm talking about the Cowboys' Ginormous Spaceship of Tomorrow. With a pricetag of $1 billion-with-a-b, Jerry Jones is definitely going to go for some naming rights. (And it wouldn't surprise me if he goes for two, à la the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl presented by Bridgestone.) So, my predictions:

National companies
It's almost impossible to guess among national companies, simply because there are so many to choose from. So I'll just pick a few that I think would do it:

- AT&T The company's huge again, it is based in Texas (San Antonio) and it's on a big name-recognition campaign as it swallows the Cingular brand. An iconic name for an iconic team. (And yes, I hate to admit the latter.)

- Wells Fargo Banks and financial-type businesses are usual suspects for naming rights — in the NFL alone you have Bank of America, Lincoln Financial, Invesco, M&T Bank, Raymond James and Edward Jones — but all Wells Fargo has is the Arizona State women's basketball arena. So I could see it making a push for the big leagues.

Local companies
The naming rights might or might not get sold to a local company, but there's a good chance — around here we have stadiums named after American Airlines (the F-Dub), Pizza Hut (Addison, next to Dallas) and Dr Pepper/7up (Plano), vs. Ameriquest (California). Anyway, narrowing down the field like this makes it easier to analyze.

- TXU (Dallas) The big utility in these parts (you may have seen it in the news lately). This was my top pick for a long time: Of all the corporations based here, it's one of the few with lots of cash. I could have seen TXU buying the naming rights not only for the instant publicity boost but also to compete with Reliant Energy, which owns the name to Houston's stadium. With a deregulated electric market (which means I can choose who my power comes from), competition is big. However, now that they're being sold, I can't picture the private equity groups that are shelling out $44 billion seeing the stadium name (with a price in the tens of millions) as a priority, especially if they try to flip the company for a profit.

- Exxon Mobil (Irving) It's got a ton of money, that's for sure. And while Mobil used to sponsor stuff, like the Cotton Bowl, the new behemoth doesn't really seem like the naming type. Although a widely despised company would be a good fit for a team that much of the nation despises as well.

- American Airlines (the F-Dub) The Metroplex's biggest employer already has the American Airlines Center, so I don't think it'll go for more. Plus it's not exactly on solid financial ground.

- Southwest Airlines (Dallas) On two hands, I can see this happening. Southwest is like the average guy's airline, a company that doesn't mind being folksy and laid-back. So I can see it embracing football — it's not a stretch to see Herb Kelleher (chairman) coming to a press conference in a full uniform. And unlike most airlines, it's doing pretty well. But on the third hand, the reason it is financially viable is that it runs an efficient operation, and it might regard the naming rights as an unnecessary expense. So it's a toss-up.

- Blockbuster (Dallas) I could see this one. It, unlike some of your banks and tech firms, delivers the kind of consumer product that most football watchers buy. And it could use a boost as it battles Netflix.

- 7-Eleven (Dallas) Another one of those everyman brands. But even with its local ties — and 7-Elevens all over around here — I don't see very much 7-Eleven advertising at all. So I'd guess it'd be reluctant to suddenly spend so much on it.

- Frito-Lay (Plano) A good possibility, and it's done well with the Tostitos bowl games. But will it spend so much more money to promote just one of its many lines of chips?

- Texas Instruments (Dallas) It's had a long history in Dallas. I could see it happening. Plus I think Jerry Jones would like how Texas Instruments Stadium is sort of an allusion to the current Texas Stadium. (It would continue the theme started by keeping the hole in the roof.)

- J.C. Penney (Plano) Football watchers probably aren't the key market it's after. But "J.C. Penney Stadium: It's all inside!" has a nice ring to it.

- RadioShack (the F-Dub) This is the market it's after (see: Howie Long), but that company has way too much to worry about. I can't imagine Jerry Jones risk a Pro Player Stadium debacle and sell to a company that might not be around 10 years from now.

- Pier 1 Imports (the F-Dub) Combine the reasons why not of the previous two.

- XTO Energy (the F-Dub) and EDS (Plano) The former is a gas drilling company, the latter Ross Perot's data/tech company. They're black sheeps: They're both doing quite well for themselves and could probably afford the naming rights. But as companies in very specific industries, I don't think that either would find the national name recognition that beneficial.

- Lockheed Martin (the F-Dub), Bell Helicopter (the F-Dub) and Vought Aircraft (Dallas) Huge employers around here, but somehow I don't think the people who buy $600 million fighter jets are going to be swayed by a football stadium.

- Acme Brick (the F-Dub) Highly unlikely, since it's pretty small. But I just like the idea of a stadium instantly nicknamed The Brickhouse.

And a final related note

While the AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic (there's AT&T again) is moving from the deterioriffic Cotton Bowl to the new Cowboys stadium, I don't expect the Red River ~~Shootout~~ Rivalry — a much bigger draw — to do the same. I expect it to move back to the UT and OU campuses after the contract runs out. Unless Arlington really sweetens the deal, the game is just too lucrative for Norman and Austin to keep passing up on.

And a related final related note: I'm not a fan of MU-kU at Arrowhead. It just makes it harder for the students to go (and it's probably not included in the home-ticket package either year).

*A bit more cumbersome than BoCoMo

Behold, the transitive property of college athletics

2006-11-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Of course, we all know that Mizzou could beat Texas (because Mizzou > K-State > Texas). But did you know:

This season:
- Northwest Missouri State beat Nebraska-Omaha
- Nebraska-Omaha beat North Dakota
- North Dakota beat Northern Iowa
- Northern Iowa beat South Dakota State
- South Dakota State beat Cal Poly
- Cal Poly beat San Diego State
- San Diego State beat Air Force
- Air Force beat Wyoming
- Wyoming beat Utah
- Utah beat TCU
- TCU beat Baylor
- Baylor beat K-State
and
- K-State beat Texas

Therefore, Northwest Missouri State could beat Texas. (The Bearcats are undefeated, after all.)

How About, Theoretically, A System That's Actually Fair, Instead?

2006-11-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

With apologies to Jason, the problem is that college football has too much scope in team play to justify using 1s and 0s. Pure wins work in the NFL, because (most) everyone plays everyone and you have equalitive tiebreakers like division and conference records. Those simply do not exist in College Football. Some conferences have championships, others don't. Some have more teams than others. And consistently, each year there are conferences that are leaps and bounds better than others. In the NFL, the AFC South may be much weaker than the NFC West, but there's still a prayer for the Jaguars and Texans. Such is not the case with the weaker teams in inferior conferences.

When we first breached this topic, our problems were the same as have been stated before. You've got a team that goes undefeated (Boise State) and therefore, obviously, they should get to play in the BCS. But wait, they've played absolutely no one of any consequence, no one with even a pulse, hardly. How can they be selected over teams with one or two losses to top 10 teams?

The SEC is clearly the toughest conference in the land this year. Arkansas, Florida, Auburn, Tennessee, LSU. When Georgia, Alabama, and upstart Vandy are your weakspots, you know it's a tough place to win football games. Those are obviously tougher games than the ones in Big East, even with West Virginia, Louisville, and Rutgers. Or are they?

That's the problem. There's no way of knowing. On top of that, if the Big East is that hard of a conference, it should have a way of not getting screwed by playing each other, considering how unbelievably soft the Big 12 is this year.

And, as usual, don't even get me started on the Pac 10.

But wait, let's start with the Pac 10.

I kept thinking to myself that the Pac 10 kept getting the rub from the polls no matter how soft their defenses were, no matter how small their receivers were. The thorn in that argument was USC. Dominant, overbearing, juggernaut USC. I thought to myself "Why don't we just put USC in a separate conference of its own?"

Hey!

I started formulating an idea for a conference comprised of the best teams in the counry, those that stood apart from their brethren in conference play. A chance to not make the process necessarily easier or simpler, but not convoluted and that produced a clear winner. I didn't just want a way to establish the best team, but a way to add intrigue to the system that didn't make watercooler pundits around the country want to vomit.

I propose the formation of the All-American Championship Conference (AACC). This conference would solve many of the problems of the current BCS championship, in effect, providing a season to season playoff in the form of the regular season. It would be comprised of:

A. One Representative from each of the "Big Six" conferences (ACC, Big East, Big 10, Big 12, Pac 10, SEC) as voted by a committee. The committees would be comprised for each of the six conferences of AP writers and coaches (six and six, with conference commissioners having tiebreaker responsibilities). Membership would rotate every two years for coaches, and be voted on by AP writers every two years.

B. Two wild card teams voted in by the entirety of the AACC voters.

Unlike Jason, I feel teams should not be dropped from the ranks of conferences based on their record. Conference rivalries need to be maintained, as does a certain amount of strength in the conferences. Besides, there's something comforting in knowing Duke football will always be crappy, and will be forced to play the ACC power teams every year.

The AACC conference is in effect, a regular season playoff. Each team retains membership in their respective conference, and retain one (2) regular conference games, but the rest of their conference play is replaced with AACC conference play. They are inelligible for conference championships while retaining membership. They are allowed to schedule the same amount of non-conference games as they did before. So the alumni still get to see their favorite team annihilate Southwestern Mississippi Tech State. Then, however, they are required to play the other teams in the AACC. This of course, creates an obscenely difficult schedule, but gaurantess huge money for the AACC participants, as well as the conference of the winning team, which would receive a portion of the money. If a Wild Card were to win, it would receive the total sum.

The wild card entries would be any Division I team elligible for bowl play. The National Championship Bowl would be decided by the two best teams in the AACC based on overall record, with head-to head as tiebreaker. The Current BCS bowls would be elligible to select from the AACC and outside. Only AACC reprentatives are elligible for the national championship bowl. Each year, the committees vote on their representatives and the wild cards. Polls would then vote on non-AACC members, to help with the selection of AACC representatives the following year. There would be no term-limit on AACC membership.

So, in layman's terms. Here's a scenario for you, heading into next year (assuming Ohio State wins National Championship, which is far from decided).

AACC Conference Representatives:
ACC: Wake Forest
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: University of Texas
Big East: Rutgers
Pacific 10: USC
SEC: Florida
Wild Card 1: Notre Dame
Wild Card 2: Boise State

So, next year, you would have these teams face each other, with the best two teams playing in the AACC Championship. From a financial standpoint, what's going to make more money, Texas vs. Kansas State in an off year, or Texas vs. Florida?

Here's a simulated Texas Schedule for next season (regardless of what they are currently contractually obligated to). AACC games marked by *.

Sam Houston State
Rice
New Mexico State
Louisian-Monroe
Rutgers*
Florida*
Oklahoma
Boise State*
Wake Forest*
USC*
Ohio State*
Texas A&M

Wowza. If Texas went undefeated through that schedule, would there be any doubt they deserve to play in the National Title Game? Any? Texas gets to still play A&M and the Red River Shootout (or replace those games if they become meaningless in the future).

Now, let's take a look at how the voting would work. Let's do a theoretical Florida schedule first.

UCF W 42-14
Florida State W 28-10
Southern Miss W 38-6
Western Carolina W 42-7
Tennessee L 17-14
Texas L 35-10
Ohio State L 28-13
Georgia W 24-14
Rutgers W 31-20
Notre Dame: L 16-3
Wake Forest W 21-17
Boise State L 38-35

And back in SEC land, Tenn goes undefeated, including win over AACC rep Florida, and wins the SEC title. So after the '07 season, you have florida at 7-5, and Tenn at 13-0. So the SEC voters replace Florida with Tenn, and Tenn is in the AACC for the following year. Notre Dame is not given any conractual automatic bids. If they finish 11-1, but there are two other teams that are 11-1 and the voters feel they are more worthy, they go and Notre Dame has to go back and try to get in the following year.

Advantages of this system:
1. A clear national champion. Even if a non-AACC team went undefeated, they would not have proved themselves like the AACC champion would have. If a team wins the AACC by going 8-4, they will still have played ten times the schedule of Tenn, even with the hard as nails SEC schedule.
2. Exciting title games. Imagine if Texas goes 11-1 (5-1 in AACC play) and Ohio State goes 11-1 (5-1 in AACC play) and they didn't play each other? And even if a non-traditional major conference team was repping in the AACC, it would make for a great story. Imagine Oregon State making the AACC title game as a wild card, playing USC? Or how about Boise State getting to finally make it's case versus a juggernaut like Texas?
3. Keeps debate high. The polls are still in use and help the voters determine who should be voted in the following year. The system makes it pretty easy to figure out who deserves to go and who doesn't. Right now, let's say that Florida's one loss this season was to Georgia, a HUGE rival, and not to Auburn. They would have no chance to make the title game on account of their one loss to a bad team. But if they were in the AACC, and went 11-1 with their one loss to Georgia, they'd still be in the hunt, and most likely in the title game, and have earned it. It helps figure out what games were flukes and what games were legitimate defeats. Also, the wild card makes for fascinating debate. Who deserves the Wild Card, a 2 loss SEC team that finished strong or an undefeated non-major with a cupcake schedule that creamed everyone, including their major conference bowl opponent? Good times for the sports writers.
4. While separating teams from conferences, it keeps conference pride high. You're playing for a chance to rep your conference in the AACC. If you win, your conference reaps the benefits. Knocking off the AACC rep in a regular conference game is of HUGE , rush the field importance.
5. Gives teams that were left out of the title race for non AACC membership a chance to prove it. So, let's say you're a recovering Miami Hurricanes team. And you ripped through the ACC, went undefeated, won the ACC championship game, but didn't happen to be scheduled against AACC rep Georgia Tech. However, the Rose Bowl committee considered your team to be so impressive, it selected you for the Rose Bowl against USC, who you crush. You may not have made the national championship, but next season, you're a lock to either get the conference rep spot or a wild card.
6. Doesn't screw power conferences. The wild card means that if both Auburn and Florida go through a tough as nails SEC conference with only one loss, and the AACC rep and one of the wild cards go 6 wins or worse, there's a good chance that both of those SEC teams will be in the AACC the following year.
7. Keeps the rivalries alive. The two conference games are maintained to ensure that Ohio State-Michigan still happens, the Red River Shootout still gets shot, and the Iron Bowl is still in effect. It ups the stakes, really, because if Auburn is in a three way tie for 2nd in the AACC going into the Iron Bowl, how much would Alabama love to spoil their chances, while improving their shot at a bowl. The upsets are still there, and mean more than ever.
8. Let's see how you do against the big boys. There may come a time when the Pac 10 just is stacked with solid, tough, high scoring, defensively monstrous football teams. Until that time comes, I would LOVE to see them play teams like Texas, Auburn, and Ohio State every year. It would help sort out the polls as well, since the Pac 10 teams have been skating by a lot of recent years based on the strength of their juggernaut USC.
9.It lets good teams in bad conferences succeed. On the flip side, if USC is that good, and they come from a crappy conference, they still deserve to show how good they are. If their conference sucks, but they run to a one or two loss season in the AACC, they've clearly shown they deserve to be there, even if the rest of their conference doesn't.
10.One good year is not enough. This promotes long term success, versus getting lucky in a handful of games and having a weak schedule. What if Oregon had won the Pac 10 this year, with that Oklahoma game on their record? Voters would be able to make a decision with those kinds of things in effect. This allows for the circumstances surrounding a season to be upheld.

Qustions:
1. It creates an "upper class" to college football. Outside of the 8, all other teams in the country have no hope for a national championship. It prevents the cinderella teams and the teams that have played their hearts out from even being able to dream of a national championship. How can a system be fair if a team goes undefeated in the SEC and doesn't play in the National Championship?

Response: So, if Arkansas goes undefeated in the SEC, having beaten Florida, Auburn, Tennessee and having only one loss in the first game of the season against a much-better-then USC, and they don't have any hope of a national championship, how is it any different? The current system leaves teams out. This at least applauds them for their season, and allows them into the mix the following season, and they still get the BCS bowl and BCS money. The only difference is Arkansas wouldn't have to worry about starting off at no. 25 the following season. Let's be clear. The current system only allows a certain number of teams to have a shot. At least this way, Boise State won't have to have the same thing happen to them year after year.

2. How will the non-AACC teams be able to compete in recruiting, if the AACC teams can gaurantee they'll be in contention for a national championship the next season?

Response: If you're a freshman, you don't care what happens your freshman or junior years, because you're more than likely not starting. You still care about the long term health of the program. Sure, USC would be able to say they were contending for a title the very next year, but Cal would be able to respond with "We have a great history at your position (QB), we're going to win the PAC 10 next year undoubtedly, and we'll be in line for AACC membership just as you're entering your Junior year. Plus, it gives them an easier schedule to prepare for the big time.

3. The schedule will KILL the kids. The injuries will be immense.

Response: This is the cost of a playoff. And if you ask the athletes what they would rather do, protect themselves from injury versus major teams and get little or no exposure, or be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt how good they are in major games week after week, you know what the competitors will say.

4. What happens if the AACC teams are all crappy?

Response: This is highly unlikely, considering even when there are many good teams, one or two teams always separate themselves from the flock. The SEC is a good example of this. And when most of the teams are shitty, the best always shine brighter. The Big 12 is a good example of this. Even if all the ACC went 6-6 (3-3 in AACC play, impossible given the schedules), all you'd have is the best teams all playing at the same level. And it would make for some intense tiebreaker scenarios. Plus, if they were all that bad, the next year they would get flushed and you'd have a whole new slew of AACC members.

5. It eliminates all the hard work of a good year.

Response: No, it just demands that you validate a good year with a great year. Any inferior team can go on a tear. That doesn't mean they're among the best teams in the country. Plus, it means that one loss is no longer the death of your hopes. West Virginia with a very talented team went from title contender to afterthought after one loss to a very good Louisville team. How good are they, especially considering the Louisville loss to Rutgers? There's no way of knowing. But it's gauranteed that WVU would have gotten the Big East bid this year. Then they would have played in the AACC, and even if they had lost to Louisville in their representative conference game, they would have still been in contention for the title. If WVU had lost to Louisville, but beaten Texas, Notre Dame, Boise State, USC, Florida State and Florida, don't you think they deserve a crack at OSU?

6. It will hurt smaller rivalry games.

Response: Not likely. Most teams have two good rivalries, and those will be the two conference games. But all it does for the lesser rivalries is build the bad blood and momentum. Let's take Arkansas vs. LSU as an example. Say LSU goes on a 3 year span of repping the SEC in the AACC. Their conference games are spent on Florida and Auburn, both because of the rivalry, and because of the money. Now, three years down the line, another SEC team knocks off LSU, but just barely. Now LSU is trying to get back into the AACC, and they have to play Arkansas, who's building it's own case for the AACC, and they've been waiting three years to get their hands back on LSU, who kept them out three years ago. Texas vs. Arkansas is a huge rivalry, and they're not even in the same conference, and they've only played a dozen times. Rivalries don't fizzle out, they just build up steam. On the other hand, you've also got new rivalries being formed. OSU and Texas are in the AACC for four straight years, playing each other 3 out of the four years, twice in the title game. How much fun would that kind of hatred between juggernauts be? It'd be like moving the Patriots into the AFC South for four years.

7. What about the Heisman? Isn't that going to be hard?

Response: Do we care about the game, or do we care about the award. Allright. The best players show up in big games. If Troy Smith had played ehhhh against Texas and played eehhhh against Michigan, would we give him the Heisman over Brady Quinn who was lights out versus USC and Cal? A Heisman should not be decided over I-AA teams.

8. Oh, God, what if Notre Dame wasn't in consideration? Oh, God!

Response: Calm down, Domers. The Wild Card virtually assures that as long as you schedule your share of tough opponents, you have a great shot at the AACC every year. Beating Michigan, USC, and Cal means you're going to a BCS bowl, and it would be near impossible to deny Notre Dame over a second "Big Six" school or lil' Boise State. However, if you get creamed in the AACC...

9. Wouldn't this make every conference championship pointless?

Response: Far from it. It's actually an impovement from how it is now. Currently, you don't need to win your conference championship or even play in it to be considered for the big dances (hello, Auburn.). Under this system, carrying that conference championship banner would take you a long way in getting the voters to vote you in and your struggling representative out. If a Republican an election by only 4%, and going into the next campaign the Democrat wins his Primary by 35%, that's a pretty strong statement, no? Apples and organges, but you get my drift. You're trying to build a case for the voters as to why you deserve your rival's spot. Winning that conference championship can make or break that case.

10. What if it doesn't work?

Response: What, like it's working now?

Since a playoff is simply too logical

2006-11-07T22:54:00.000-08:00

With Boise State poised to go undefeated yet shut out of the national title picture, many fans will wonder what might have been. Would they still be undefeated if they played in a BCS conference? Would they even be bowl eligible? As long as they stay in the WAC they'll never get a fair shot, so why not let them into a BCS bowl? Hell, why not let any team that wins its "lesser" conference move into a BCS conference the next year to prove their mettle? It works for soccer.

With apologies to Matt, here's my idea - you'll probably get his take as soon as he reads this, anyway. Start with stratifying the conferences in I-A: the six BCS conferences are the top tier, then the WAC, MAC, Mountain West, Sun Belt, and C-USA as the second tier. The conference champion of each of the lesser conferences and a wild card team go to a BCS conference the next year and the bottom team from each BCS conference goes to a lesser conference.

It doesn't solve the problem of one conference being stacked while another doesn't deserve a BCS bid (cough:ACC:cough). I'll let Matt give his two cents on it first.

Why Sports Can Often Times Remind You Of a Punch to the Solarplexus, Exhibit A: This Weekend

2006-10-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

There are those of us who woke up Monday (or Tuesday, if your team played on MNF, "played" being an interesting term) and all was normal. Your team had done what it's been known to do throughout its illustrious history. The Bears had used a dominating defense to bounce back from a 20-3 late 3rd deficit. The Steelers had shown that they are, as usual, the class of the AFC, or at least on their way back. The Rams may have dropped that game to the Seahawks, but surely, they are close to elite status an easy schedule to comfort them. The Patriots had the bye this week, but I'm pretty sure they won, too. Maybe Tom Brady got a free subscription to Hustler or something.

The same can be said with the NCAA. USC slipped away from another possible defeat to an inferior team from the Pac 10. Ohio State blasted someone else, as did Michigan and Texas. Florida can't even feel bad, the SEC is too tough to win all your games.

Then there's the rest of us. Lost in the ESPN frontpage headlines and NFL Films presentations are the rest of the teams.

If this sounds like a bellyache, it is. If this sounds like whining, you're right on target. The rest of us have no option. And believe me, I'd like nothing more than to not be a part of it. But in reality, I only have two choices. Express unhappiness for my plight (and those like me), or quit watching sports. Because I've started to lose faith things will turn around.

I've been a Chiefs fan since I was born. My grandfather was a Chiefs fan. My Dad was a Chiefs fan. I learned swear words from Sundays at 3PM. Tenants for existence have been established by that idenitity.

Nothing good should ever happen to the Raiders.

Mike Shanahan sold his soul to the Devil for his blocking scheme.

Len Dawson is the nicest guy since that Christ dude.

Marcus Allen is the most underrated running back in NFL history.

Rich Gannon has sex with rustly toolboxes.

I started paying attention when the Chiefs defense was fearsome. It wasn't just impressive, it was awe-inspiring. It obliterated the turnover margins of other teams. Sacks weren't a once a game occurance to jump up for, they were the expected result. You cheered to egg on a defense that was going to stop an offense from getting 5 yards into an offense that was going to lose 5 yards. They had Marcus Allen. They made the playoffs. This was surely a great team.

Loss.

Loss.

Loss.

Marty Schottenheimer couldn't losen up enough to win a playoff game. He played not to lose (as he continues to do), and never to win. He never went for the kill. And he never, ever let quarterbacks try and have memorable games, because a turnover was possible. And so our rotation as a good team passed, and Denver got good again and won two Superbowls. And then Oakland got Jon Gruden and started making the AFC Championship every year, and finally the SuperBowl, before getting crushed by the same Gruden that had brought them to the dance.

Okay, awesome. So the Chiefs have Dick Vermeil and a great offense and we'll be good again, right?

Um. Kinda.

And hey, we did make the playoffs. Once. And we scored a lot of points. Only punted once. Unfortunately, Peyton didn't have to punt at all.

And then failure after failure as the defense somehow managed to get worse. I watched the same team that I grew up watching terrify quarterbacks allow record days for them. I saw an offense that could score at will, but had to, because the other team was going to score more. I took solace in the usual things you do.

"We've got a lot of talent."

"LJ is going to be a star."

"The defense is improving."

"We always have a chance to win the game. We're always competitive."

The last one is a big one for teams that don't have a history of winning. Just being close, knowing that one day, you'll put it together and start winning those games, and keep winning.

It's important to note at this point that I'm not even looking for a Super Bowl. That's one of the things that I hate most about winning franchises. The fans come to expect Super Bowl wins. It's not enough to make it there, you have to close.

I just want to see it. I want to have a Superbowl mean something more than a big sports weekend, or a reason to have friends over in February. I just want to know what it's like to be a fan of the AFC Champions. If we lose, hey, we won two playoff games and made it to the big dance. We're competitive.

Sunday was the first time I've ever turned off a Chiefs game. I've had to miss them occasionally for whatever reason, usually because I no longer live in a place that shows them, and can't afford going to a bar to watch. But when I sit down to watch them, I watch them. I maintain that we can win. Sunday, I turned off the TV. I couldn't watch it anymore. It was like every ounce of joy had been sucked from watching sports. The Steelers completely embarrassed the Chiefs in every way possible. The offense was inept, the defense was laughable, and the special teams were mediocre. It wasn't competitive after the coin was flipped. It was absolutely no fun. There are losses that hurt because you were so close, but you know that, and it drives you. It makes you root harder, makes you want the management to sign players that much more, makes you more bonded because you share the team's disappointment.

Then there are games like Sunday. Sunday was the first point in my entire life where I have not wanted to be a Chiefs fan. I saw the expansion Panthers pull out another win, as that franchise continues to cement itself as elite. I saw the elite teams continue to dominate, San Diego taking their turn on the top of the AFC West wheel, while Denver continues to beat mediocre teams and stroke its ego because of it. And what's worse, I saw the Saints, historically one of the worst teams in NFL history, a joke, a disgrace, beat the Eagles in dramatic fashion. They have a great core of players and a lot of potential.

We have a coach we gave a second round draft pick for, who thus far has proved he's really good at downplaying losses. We didn't get beaten by the Steelers, we got destroyed. That's the only word for it. There was nothing positive to take away from the game. Nothing.

And this year it's like so many others. The Bears, a dynasty in their own right, are looking like the frontrunner to add to their massive trophy case. The Patriots are still leading the AFC East. St. Louis is even a factor again. Teams who's fans have enjoyed saying "We're the champs." Who have watched their teams in the biggest game. I don't think most of them understand what it's like to be on this other side. To be eternally tied to a team that breaks your heart year after year. That leaves you in February desperately looking forward to a Draft two months away and training camp in two seasons. "Wait 'till next year!" Call it Cubs disease.

In a poll Deadspin (hallowed, be thy name) led me to, the Chiefs were ranked the second best fanbase in the NFL, following only the Browns, and ahead of the Eagles. Those three teams are a combined 1-3. The Chiefs have that one win. The Browns have never seen the light of the SuperBowl. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. Yet, Philadelphia has been a playoff contender year after year, as recently as two years ago appearing the Super Bowl.

Yet through all that, this weekend was the first time the fear really hit me. I've lived with the "I may never see my favorite team even PLAY in a championship game my entire life" the same way you fear a suspended highway collapsing and your car being thrown to the swampy depths below. Usually, you just keep driving and aren't even aware of the fear. Sunday made me stare down, see the cracks in the foundation, see the depth markers, peer into the murky nothingness below. It was the first time I went from "My Grandfather may never see the Chiefs win another Superbowl" to "My dad may never see the Chiefs win another Superbowl" to "I may never see the Chiefs play in the Superbowl."

And as long as you keep perspective, if that's the worst thing that ever happens to me, awesome, I'll take it. Sold.

But as a sports fan, I'm left petrified, my eyes wide, shaking, muttering to myself about how last year we could have been the Steelers, and starting to realize that the sound I hear under Herm Edwards' positive attitude and Larry Johnson's fantasy stats, over Trent Green's positive doctor's report, and the defensive rankings...

is the sound of the bridge starting to fall.

So what do you do? You get back on the horse (to mix metaphors, cliche ones at that, and do it badly), and get ready to talk yourself into why they can beat the Chargers on Sunday.

After all, even if things go horribly, as badly as they could possibly go, there's still next year?

Right?

Well, that was fun: An analysis of possible responses to flak about Mizzou's loss to A&M

2006-10-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

(Since I'll be hearing about it from the Aggies I know.) (Not "ex-Aggies," as they'll soon correct you: Once an Aggie, always an Aggie. Whatever.)

- "Well, we would've won ... if our coach wasn't an idiot." Yeah, I don't understand that fake field goal either, but a) it's one thing to criticize a coach for a whole pattern of plays, yet another to criticize him for one, b) turning on Pinkel so quickly after treating him as deity after the first six games seems a mite ridiculous, and most importantly, c) three points in that situation wouldn't have ended up making a difference anyway.

- "Well, we would've won ... if it weren't for the refs." Yeah, Temple's knee touched the ground before he fumbled, but as a general rule I hate blaming any loss on the refs. (Exception: OU had a legitimate beef in the Oregon game.) One play does not a game make. And we never give refs the credit on tough calls they make correctly.

- "Well, we would've won ... if the game had been in Columbia." That's probably true, especially given how hostile an environment Kyle Field is. But resorting to this argument is really just whining. While you're at it, why not just make everyone's record 6-6 before the season starts?

- "Oh yeah? Well ... your mom." Though it might not convince the person giving you a hard time, this is always a reliable backup retort.

- "Well, we would've won ... if we hadn't fumbled on the 1 on that 70-yard pass." This is the one I'm hearing most often. Yes, seven more points would've given us the win, but it's unlikely that the rest of the game would've unfolded exactly the same. Moreover, this is pretty much the same as saying, "Well, we would've won ... if they hadn't played better than us."

Which is why I'm going with:

- "Well, we don't deserve to win when we play like that." It's true. Mizzou didn't have it all together, especially in the second half. They can do so and escape with a win sometimes, but not against a good team — and especially not on the road. And, while the "Well, but" excuses just provoke the gloaters into an argument, this response takes the wind out of their proverbial sails. (Best of all, though this makes it sound like you're agreeing with them, you're sneakily implying that your team beat itself — thus that the other team wasn't good enough to win on its own. Mwahaha!)

Oh, and I'm still predicting a win over K-State next week.

Sixteen Ways to Blow It

2006-10-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

Eight teams remain. That means there are 16 possibilities for the World Series. And, it stands to reason, there are 16 different ways Fox can not script October (cough)bullshit(cough). Don't let their commercials fool you: Fox will milk any storyline they can find, whether or not people care. There will be some stories that are unavoidable, like hometown hero Joe Mauer trying to bring the championship back to his 'hood in the Twin Cities, or A-Rod trying to prove himself to people he'll never meet. Fox had those stories shot the day every team clinched a playoff birth. The ones they'll have to scramble for are the matchup stories, the ones dependent upon what actually happens on the diamond. The following is one man's ranking of said potential matchups based on the annoyance level of Fox's coverage.

There's No Way Fox Can Make This Annoying, Is There?
Twins vs. Padres/Dodgers
No history between the two teams, no geographical proximity to create some nonexistant tension, no logical way the majority of the baseball-watching population gives a damn. My bet? They try to get Padres 3B Russ Branyan or Dodgers CF Kenny Lofton to pretend he's really pissed off about something that happened back when both played with the Indians. It's all I can think of.

Tigers vs. Mets
This matchup looked inevitable back in July. Now with Pedro out and Detroit forgetting how to win, it will take a small miracle to see these two teams duke it out for the title. That said...well, there's not a whole lot that can be said. Maybe the contrast of glitzy NYC vs. blue-collar Detroit. Yeah, that'll probably get run into the ground.

Woe Is the Team With No Money
Twins/A's vs. Mets
We get it, the Mets bought Delgado, Glavine, Lo Duca and Lichtenstein while the Twins or A's have to sleep at the stadium because they have nowhere else to go.

Really, It's Just the Timing
A's vs. Padres
NorCal vs. SoCal! Intra-state clash! Two similar, yet distinctly unique cultures on display as...the East Coast is either asleep or the West Coast is at work during the games.

Please Rise for our National Anthem, Performed by Journey
Yankees vs. Dodgers, Tigers vs. Padres, Twins vs. Cardinals, A's vs. Dodgers
All four matchups happened back in the 80s ('81, '84, '87, '88 in the order above). I'm sure we'll see hours of footage regardless of which one happens, unless it's '88. Then we'll just see the Kirk Gibson homer off Dennis Eckersley on loop until people go on hunger strikes in protest. Guilty note: I think a Yankees/Dodgers matchup would be fun just because of all the history. I'm done - back to the snark.

I've Had it with the "Genius" Tag
Tigers vs. Cardinals
Hey, weren't Tony La Russa and Jim Leyland supposed to manage against each other in the World Series 15 years ago? Where's my Bell Biv Devoe tape?

A's vs. Cardinals
La Russa can be pretty obnoxious. I don't need Fox's help as he takes on his former club. The Cardinals are lucky just to have made the playoffs and are barely over .500, so please, no need to get on your knees this time. And you know they're going to call Pujols and Rolen the "New Bash Brothers." You've been warned.

Ever Heard of that Kirk Gibson Guy?
Tigers vs. Dodgers
This is the matchup I'm personally rooting for, but I'll admit by the time it's over we will have a more intimate knowledge of Gibson than his wife. Yes, he was on both the '84 Tigers and '88 Dodgers when they won the World Series. You don't have to go to a shot of him every other pitch as if he were part of the cast of a flagging Fox drama.

Time to Go Behind the Woodshed
Yankees vs. Padres
Kevin Brown isn't what he was back in '98. One of the most lopsided World Series in recent memory. Big market/small market. How the Yankees have changed since they were the best team since the '27 Yankees. Shoot me.

Cringing...
Yankees vs. Cardinals
Take your pick - you could either listen to Tim McCarver slobbering over Jeter's intangibles or Joe Buck rambling about his father, the late, great voice of the Cardinals and the real reason little Joey is where he is today. Granted, it would be a touching moment if the Cardinals won this matchup and Joe spontaneously said a little something for his dad, but unfortunately Joe Buck is as spontaneous as a shuttle launch.

Not If There's a God in Heaven
Yankees vs. Mets
I think we all saw this one coming.

I've been procrastinating on my prognosticating

2006-10-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Since Mizzou is 5-0 for the first time in my lifetime, I thought I'd actually pitch in on here for the first time as well. And now that I'm 2-for-2 in correctly predicting Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive (Erica can vouch for this), I'll follow the directives of the omnipresent Winstar billboards and strike again while my luck is still hot. Here we go:

Scenario 1: Best, albeit unrealistic, case
Mizzou is for real — the nonconference schedule was just the right balance of cupcake self-esteem boostery and legitimate challenge, and they're primed to tear through the season. Plus, they get lucky whenever they need to.
@ Texas Tech Having studied the TCU game tapes, Mizzou's defense shuts down Tech's high-flying offense, and Chase Daniel doesn't make any mistakes. Mizzou wins by a touchdown or two.
@ Texas A&M Plain and simple: A&M sucks. Even in College Station, this isn't even a contest. Mizzou handily.
vs. Kansas State The Wildcats always give Mizzou a good game, which this might be in Manhattan. But this one's in CoMo. Mizzou in a rout.
vs. Oklahoma One of those games where everything falls Mizzou's way — a tipped ball here, a gust of wind there, maybe even a well-timed fluke injury. Home-field advantage helps too. Mizzou squeaks by on sheer luck.
@ Nebraska Sure, the Huskers romped the Little Sisters of the Blind, but they haven't looked so powerful against respectable programs. All the same, Lincoln's never an easy place to play. Mizzou wins, but it's close.
@ Iowa State They're just not very good. Mizzou wins easily.
vs. Kansas This game can never be taken for granted, but in a miracle of miracles, Gary Pinkel makes his players forget that they have "Mizzou" on their jerseys, and they a) continue working hard despite having the division title already clinched and b) ignore the constant media attention that they're getting as an undefeated team. No one can stop their momentum.
Big 12 Championship Except Texas, that is. (Sorry, I have to make this a tad believable.)
Bowl game The four at-large BCS berths go to the Michigan/OSU loser, Notre Dame, Boise State (guaranteed by finishing with a better record than the ACC champ) ... and Mizzou. (It helps that the SEC powers all beat up on one another.) With the Pac-10 and Big 10 champs in the Championship, the Rose Bowl has two spots to fill, and they take the Michigan/OSU loser and Mizzou. Tigers put up a good fight, but they're simply outplayed.
Final record 12-2, and the stretch of Stadium Boulevard from Carrie Francke Drive to College Avenue is renamed Pinkel Parkway.

That was fun, wasn't it? But bringing it back at least into the troposphere, if not all the way down to Earth...

Scenario 2: Optimistic, but realistic
The Tigers prove that the 5-0 start was no fluke, and the could-go-either-way games go their way. But they're still not yet to that upper echelon.
@ Tech Tech is beatable, and though it's close, Mizzou beats 'em.
@ A&M Aggies make it a game, but they can't sustain the effort. Their fans are actually happy about the loss, since it's another nail for Franchione's coffin.
vs. K-State K-State's having a rebuilding year, to describe a lose-to-Baylor year nicely. Plus, Mizzou's relishing the chance to turn the annual thümpinwümpin on its head. A solid win.
vs. Oklahoma Home-field helps make it close, but Mizzou's offense isn't quite polished enough to compete with the big boys. Plus, the pressure of being 8-0 is a little much for a young team (not to mention for a program that hasn't been 8-0 since the Eisenhower Administration).
@ Nebraska Yeah, Nebraska's not the juggernaut it once was, but dang, it's hard to win in Lincoln. The letdown from the previous week's loss doesn't help either, and Mizzou loses by a touchdown.
@ Iowa State This is a nice pick-me-up. Not a blowout, but a good, convincing win.
vs. Kansas KU brings its A game, but so do the Tigers. With the North Division title within reach, they don't disappoint. (Colorado disappoints, though, failing to beat Nebraska, which wins the North in the head-to-head tiebreaker with Mizzou.)
Bowl game Texas goes to the BCS, Oklahoma to the Cotton and Nebraska to the Holiday (the Huskers have a worse overall record than Mizzou, but hordes of traveling Husker fans = bigtime revenue). Mizzou is the fourth team chosen, heading to the Alamo Bowl to face Wisconsin. Big Poppa remains loyal despite threats from kin and childhood friends, and Mizzou shows that the Badgers were more lucky than good (e.g. not having to play Ohio State or Michigan State).
Final record 11-2, and Columbia still throws Gary Pinkel a parade.

Scenario 3: Cautious, a.k.a. realisticer
The Tigers' hot streak was fun, but it didn't prove a whole lot. But by all means, it's a surprisingly good season that shows lots of promise.
@ Tech Remember how Colorado moved the ball on Mizzou but got stopped in the red zone? Well, Tech's offense is better. It's the first time the Tigers face a good team, and their weaknesses (and youth) are exposed. Tech wins by 10.
@ A&M This has could-go-either-way written all over it. The lack of momentum caused by the Tech loss plus the imposing confines of Kyle Field are what tip it against the Tigers, and they blow it late.
vs. K-State Mizzou's hungry coming back to Faurot, and K-State is reeling after four straight losses. Plus, it's homecoming. The Tigers regain their beginning-of-season form.
vs. Oklahoma Mistakes don't cost Mizzou this game, which is good. Getting outplayed by OU does, which is bad, though not unexpected..
@ Nebraska It's close, but Nebraska learned from the KU scare. Someday the Tigers will win in Lincoln. Not this time.
@ Iowa State This might be the "cautious" prediction, but Mizzou's still a better team than Iowa State. Tigers by 14.
vs. Kansas Oh, how those wily Jayhawks like to throw a wrench into things. But Mizzou claws back in the second half, and Chase Daniel nearly singlehandedly wins the game. Harpo's saves him a piece o' goalpoast.
Bowl game The bowls are dealt out as above, except Tech goes to the Alamo. Mizzou heads to the Brut™ Sun Bowl, where they draw the Pac-10 No. 3. Cal is just too good for the Tigers to keep up, but at least they don't embarrass themselves.
Final record 8-5, and Gary Pinkel gets a contract extension.

Scenario 4: Skies above us are gray.
It turns out the only reason the Tigers are undefeated because they haven't played anyone good, and one thing leads to another. I hate to think this way, but I've seen too many promising Mizzou teams collapse (see: basketball at No. 2 in the country, the Brad Smith Era taken as a whole) to not have this in the back of my head. And imagine how pessimistic I'd be if I'd been around for the Fifth Down or Flea-Kicker.
@ Tech Pop! The hype is deflated. In Mizzou's first game against anyone ranked, Mike Leach and Co. have a field day in front of their home crowd.
@ A&M Lubbock was bad, but Aggie fans are downright crazy. Chase Daniel just can't get his footing or bearings or what have you, and the Tigers are behind from the beginning.
vs. K-State Some teams, when they keep losing, get in a funk. Some get really angry and motivated. In this case, Mizzou's the former, K-State's the latter. The Tigers are the better team, but turnovers kill them.
vs. Oklahoma Mizzou holds them for a little while, but OU breaks it open and runs away with it. A long way.
@ Nebraska Just ugly.
@ Iowa State A season without off-the-field problems? Yeah, right. Who knows what it is this year, but even if it's something as uncontroversial as an injury, it catches up to them. A five-game losing streak has left them with no confidence at all, and they drop a matchup they would've won had it been in Week 6.
vs. Kansas No matter how bad the Jayhawks are, they play hard against Mizzou. And this year, they're not bad. The chance for a break-even record and a berth in the former Galleryfurniture.com Bowl just can't motivate these once-starry-eyed Tigers. Remember Chase Patton? Let's just say we see him by the second quarter. The few fans that are still a) in Faurot and b) sober see him at least. ¡No más!
Final record 5-7, and Gary Pinkel joins Quin wherever he is these days.

The Offensive Line: 9/23-9/25

2006-09-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

So, if the first week is any indication, the Offensive Line knows a good deal about College Football (8-1, with my only loss coming when Boise State failed to cover by .5, probably because they were focusing on diving season), and pretty much nothing about NFL (2-3, although all of my warning games were just that, only Baltimore covered, because Oakland really just is that, that bad.)

This week is the opposite of last weekend in terms of excitement. We're back to the doldrums of non-conference whuppings and trying to figure out who's for real (Atlanta?) and who's not (Baltimore?) in the NFL.

Regardless, here's your Offensive Line.

NFL:
Virginia (+17.5) at Georgia Tech (-17.5):
Makes me a little nervous, that's a heckofa spread, but Virginia is just really, really bad. They lost to Western Michigan last week, and they're ranked 111th in scoring. Tech has Reggie Ball and a stifling defense. Plus, when you think about it, the name "The Cavaliers" is pretty weak.

Pick: Georgia Tech to cover.

(Friday update: GT failed to cover by .5. Seriously. Could they not kick a completely spiteful, unsportsmanlike field goal when they were up by 17 on the Virginia 21 with less than 30 seconds to go? Is that too much to ask?)

Northwestern (+7) at Nevada (-7):
I don't necessarily like Northwestern to win straight up here, but that spread is just a little loose for my tastes. I think Northwestern figures out how to keep this close. And as usual, the farther from the center, the better the food, the closer to the center of the country, the better the football. Unless it's USC and barbecue. Then switch.

Pick: Northwestern to cover.

Wisconsin (+14) at Michigan (-14):
So, it's the opener of Big 10 play for both teams, both teams are undefeated, and Michigan is coming off it's biggest win in years, reestablishing itself as a major player in the top 10. That's ripe for an upset in a letdown ga...wait. What the fuck am I talking about? Haven't I been preaching "Do not underestimate Henne and Hart!" to everyone I know? Meanwhile, Wisconsin beat San Diego State but only 14-0 last week, behind only 85 yards from QB Stocco. And all this from a team that had a LB suspended for stealing a moped. Hermmm.... yeah, the Wolverines are way better than the hangover.

Pick: Michigan to cover.

Minnesota (-3) at Purdue (+3):
They haven't set the over. Doesn't matter. Take it. This is no.4 vs. no.5 in scoring. Purdue is 6-1 in last seven against the spread versus Minnesota, and the Gophers have let me down hardcore in terms of looking ferocious. I like Boilermakers here, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just cold.

Pick: Purdue.

Louisville (-14.5) at Kansas State (+14.5):
I know. They beat Miami. And that makes them hotter than a two dollar pistol (or a fresh fucked fox in a forest fire, apparently). But Miami is not as good as we thought they would be. And, losing Michael Bush was one thing. Losing Brohm is something else all together, especially when they're facing KState, who's biggest strength is their defense. I still think Louisville will win, but I think the Wildcats will keep it under 14.

Pick: Kansas State inside the spread

North Carolina(+17) at Clemson (-17):
You could double this spread and I'd take Clemson with the points. This spread is wide enough even for this hunk-a-hunk.

Pick: Clemson covers.

Cincinnati (+27) at Virginia Tech (-27):
Ditto for VT.

Pick: VT covers.

Colorado (+27.5) at Georgia (-27.5):
If you're Georgia, who do you have to maim to get consideration as a powerhouse? It won't be Colorado, because they are horrible. Of course, I'm waiting for the inevitable "Big 12 North crappy team gets it together after their season is already wrecked and starts knocking off the good teams in the division to once again ensure the suckery of the Big 12 North" effect to kick in once they start conference play. However, probably not a good idea to start talking smack to one of the best defenses in the country when ASU holds you to three points. Rejoice, Colorado!

Pick: Georgia to cover eleventy billion.

Buffalo U (+42.5) at Auburn (-42.5)
They're just trying to find spreads Auburn can't cover, aren't they? And you know, Buffalo is 8-3-1 in it's last 12 versus the spread. I think Auburn will get close, say 48 to 7, but not quite close enough. That's an over under right there. If you're the Buffalo coach, how do you prepare for this game? Lobotomy? Scotch? Whores? What do you do to get yourself in a mindset to play these guys? I love the attitude of the guys over at BfloBlog.com . "There will be no shame in this beat-down, especially if the Bulls can look respectable while taking their beating. " I can appreciate that kind of positive attitude in the face of a giant, scary, "I'm going to eat your children" SEC juggernaut.

Pick: Buffalo U to cover.

Arizona State (+8) at Cal (-8):
I'm not drinking the KoolAid. Cal lost to Tennesee, period. Tennessee is questionable at QB, and the Sun Devils lead 1A with 18 sacks. And that spread is just a bit too wide. The best part about this matchup is that after this week there will be one less Pac10 team in the top 25.

Pick: Arizona State, straight up.

West Virginia (-21.5) at East Carolina (+21.5):
And the gauntlet of West Virginia's schedule keeps rolling on. Next week? Krispy Kreme.

Pick: Um... yeah.

Notre Dame (-4) at Michigan State (+4):
Stay away from this one. It's not good for you. Drew Stanton is the best quarterback I've seen play this year, and Notre Dame is in that treacherous point of either snapping back or self-destructing.

Pick: Avoid like the black plague. Or spinach.

NFL:
Tennessee(+10.5) at Miami(-10.5):
One team has to get their shit together in this game. It's been an absolute disaster for the Fins. Daunte Culpepper has looked like Courtney Love at the end of "The People Versus Larry Flynt." Meanwhile, Tennessee isn't bad. No, they, along with the Raiders and the Packers, are redefining the term bad. We're talking epic bad. The kind of bad that makes fans question how they got here. The thing is, everyone knows Miami is a better team than they've been. They have all the weapons. They have the coaching. They just haven't performed. And given this team's propensity for December meltdowns, this really doesn't look good for Miami in terms of a playoff run. However, I still think they can get it together, and maybe playing a team this awful is just what the doctor ordered.

Pick: Miami to cover.

Bears (-3) at Minnesota (+3):
So I guess Brad Johnson ran across my preseason picks and posted it on the bulletin board, huh? Minnesota goes two weeks of making my head hurt, beating teams they have no business beating. Maybe new coach Brad Childress just really is that smart. Maybe I should start rethinking some other things I thought were givens. Maybe alcohol isn't a necessary component of family holidays. Maybe Brad Lidge doesn't wake up in the middle of the night crying, screaming about Albert Pujols. Maybe I have underestimated REO Speedwagon.

Or maybe the Bears cover, because reality is still stable.

Pick: Chicago to cover.

Carolina(-3) at Tampa Bay (+3):
This should be a tough matchup between two great defensive teams that haven't quite clicked. This could be an epic battle between two closely matched teams...

What?

Steve Smith is back?

Nevermind, Panthers kill.

Pick: Carolina to cover.

Washington (-4) at Houston (+4):
Houston's gotta win sometime, right? 'Skins gotta win sometime, right? Hmm... David Carr versus Mark Brunell. It's like in Back to the Future Part 2 when young Jennifer sees old Jennifer. Luckily, the time/space continuum will not be destroyed because they will never see each other. You can't see the sideline if you're constantly falling backwards. The Texans have actually played tougher teams, but they've also been beaten more soundly.

Pick: Washington

NY Jests (+5.5) at Buffalo (-5.5):
Well, slap my ass and call me Suzy. The Bills are actually pretty good. J.P. Losman apparently was at the magical circle jerk with Brad Childress and the entire New Orleans Saints. And the hits just keep on coming, because they've got Pennington and the game comin' along. And Buffalo has played inspired. However. I think they'll win, but I don't think they cover. this one wraps up in four or under.

Pick: NY Jests barely cover spread.

Cincinatti (+2) at Pittsburgh (-2):
Road Rash McGee and the Joey Porter Experience struck out on Monday Night when the devil came to collect. I'd also like to add that Mellissa Stark's in depth presentation on appendectomies included this nugget: "(symptoms can include) bowel shutdown. None of it pleasant, Mike." No shit, Melissa. Wait, no, that's wrong. That's the opposite...nevermind. Anyway, Chad Johnson, who's cookoo for CocoPuffs, and Palmer have got a better team this year, as opposed to last year. Wait, they had a better team last year. Oh, that's right, the difference is there "probably" won't be any late hits that split Carson's ACL like they were Paris Hilton's legs.

Pick: Cincinatti to win and cover.

Green Bay(+2) at Detroit (-2):
Go back and read that again. Go ahead. I'll wait. ... Yes, the Lions are favored. Oh how the mighty have fallen. The Packers are underdogs to a team led by John Kitna and whose fans have led protests to get the GM fired. Trying to figure this one out makes my brain hurt.

So I'm going to go with the rational thought. Never bet against Brett Favre, and never bet on Matt Millen.

Pick: Green Bay

Jacksonville (+7) at Indianapolis (-7):
People are saying this line is too wide given how well the Jags are playing. And I like the Jags. A lot. And they almost won last year. And I heart Matt Jones.

I heart Matt Jones so much, I'm going to go out and buy his jersey. Using my Mastercard! Hey didn't I just see a commercial for Mastercard? Who was on that?

Oh, yeah, the MVP with the unstoppable offense.

Pick: Indianapolis to cover.

Baltimore (-6.5) at Cleveland (+6.5):
I give! I give! The Ravens actually got better. Steve McNair is pulling the Tom Petty gig. Been doing it forever, and everytime he comes around, he puts out the same quality stuff he did before. Somebody buy Romeo Crennell some bourbon, please. And a weight watchers guide.

Pick: Baltimore to cover.

NY Giants (+3.5) at Seattle (-3.5):
Yeah, because if and when the Seahawks build a lead, they're going to blow it. If I were Seattle, I'd go into military intelligence. Because they could be awesome at spying. No one notices what they do, anyway.

Pick: Seattle to cover. Eli to cry like a girl.

St. Louis (+4.5) at Arizona (-4.5):
Irony: Arizona now plays in a stadium that is likened to a spaceship, quarterbacked by a guy that people used to say was an alien. Let's call it: Close Encounters of the Spread Offense. Meanwhile, St. Louis is living the sports equivalent of the Bourne Supremacy. "I don't know who I am, I don't know what I'm doing, but sometimes, I'm fucking terrifying. Hey, hot chick!"

Pick: Arizona to barely cover.

Denver (+7) at New England (-7):
This was a huge game last year. This year it's two teams that have remarkably underachieved. This one's a hard one to figure out, since it's Jake The Snake versus Tom Brady and that's one of those tooth and nail matchups that...

Pick: New England whups the shit out of the Broncos, premier receiver or not.

Stay away from Philadelphia at San Francisco. I got a hoodoo voodoo feeling about Alex Smith.

Atlanta (-4) at New Orleans (+4):
Everyone's convinced Atlanta is amazing and the Saints have no chance. People said the same thing last year in the opener versus Carolina. Some things outweigh stats. And what better way for Michael Vick to completely crush his newfound respect than on Monday Night Football?

Pick: New Orleans, and the Reggie Bush coming out party.

Good hunting!

God Bless:
Deadspin
Arbiter Online
Awful Announcing
BfloBlog
Everyday Should Be Saturday
ESPN
Georgia Sports Blog

Mack Strong: Superb Fullback

2006-09-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

We give you today the unveiling of our official mascot for the blog. He is a man that needs no introduction. He is the Pro-Bowl fullback of the defending NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks. He hails from Columbus, Georgia.

He is... Mack Strong.

Congratulations, Mack. Carry our banner high. And if you go into overtime, step on Hasslebeck's foot before he says ANYthing.

Just so you know, Mack has a TD last week at Arizona, to go along with 30 yards on 3 rushes. He has 5 career touchdowns, with 2 of them this year. It's fate. How strong is he? He's too strong!

Life Imitating Baseball Imitating Life

2006-09-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight, it became official. The New York Mets are the NL East champions. The Atlanta Braves are not. The run is over.

I do not come to bury the Braves, but to praise them. Many like to belittle the streak of division titles, using their one World Series title in that time as proof they were chokers. Anyone who follows baseball knows anything can happen in a seven game series. The Braves performed over the long haul, and they should be commended for their accomplishments.

I could go on and on about the team, but I'd rather use the Braves as a backdrop to my childhood, adolescence and college years. I was nine when the streak began in 1991, and now I find myself at the end of the streak at 24. I'm sure you could find psychologists who would say that's a pretty important stretch of a person's life: we generally discover our identities, experience love and loss for the first time and grow from children into adults all during that span.

Before the 1991 season even started, I was excited. I was in the dentist's office reading Sports Illustrated's preview, and I saw where they expected the Braves to finish: fourth in the NL West. You might wonder why that would make a nine year-old so excited. The answer: the Braves had finished dead last the previous two seasons (the first two seasons I really knew what was going on), so to see the almighty Sports Illustrated predict a fourth place finish practically guaranteed they wouldn't be the worst team in baseball again. I can't remember much about the season, but when they made it to the World Series I was beside myself. I begged to stay up late to watch one of the games when I was in Fairhope, AL, visiting my grandparents. For another game, I remember using a small telescope to do the Tomahawk Chop since I was bereft of any tomahawks, foam or real. I don't remember Kirby Puckett's catch, but I do remember Lonnie Smith running into the catcher and getting called out -mostly because he was bloodied up from the collision. I don't remember much about Game 7, probably because I fell asleep. I do remember seeing a kid at school in the following days with a Twins shirt on and being mad at him for wearing it.

When the next season rolled around, again I can't remember much about the regular season. I didn't have the attention span for most games (side note: During college football season, I always thought of the games as what came on between scoreboard shows.), so I just kept track of the games through the paper. I'd also track how many steals Otis Nixon had and tried to keep up with him during my Little League seasons. When my season came to a close, though, it was time to follow the Braves in earnest, and like any self-respecting Braves fan, I still remember watching Sid Bream slide safely into home to clinch the pennant. Then I remember all the white towels in Toronto, and I started to think the white towels were an anti-Braves thing more than anything else.

Fast forward three years to 1995. I knew more about the Braves than anyone at school, but for the life of me I can't remember them winning the World Series. I was having a particularly hard time in my life at that point, and since I've never been the kind of person to stake my everyday mood on the performance of a sports team, I was more focused more on my depression than the Braves' good fortune. I wish I could say the sole World Series win was enough to boost my spirits, but that entire postseason is a blank. Cruel irony, I guess, but somehow after that season I became more attuned to the game.

During the 1996 NLCS, the Braves and Cardinals went to Game 7, so naturally I went to a party instead of watched the game (Go find me a 14 year old boy that'll turn down the chance to slow dance with girls...seriously, go do it). But I thought about the game all night and couldn't wait to ask my dad how we did.

Then came the World Series.

Peter Gammons said it would likely be nothing more than a "coronation of the Braves." Those words sounded so sweet to me since I didn't experience the joy of the previous season. I was all ready to watch them thrash the Yankees and take home a second consecutive World Series trophy. We took the first two games in convincing fashion - in Yankee Stadium, no less - so when the Series came to Atlanta I was ready for the party to start. The Braves lost Game 3, but still no reason to worry. Then came Jim Leyritz.

I never hated a player before. I was too young to hate Jack Morris (although I do now). I hated Jim Leyritz. His homerun in the 10th in Game 4 turned the tide of the Series. I watched Charlie Hayes close his glove around the last out of Game 6 and for the first time I felt a real pain from watching my team lose. The pain became a numbing ache as the Braves lost in the postseason for years on end. I remember watching part of the 1999 World Series, knowing we had no chance against the obligatory Yankees dynasty of my generation. I always held on to the hope we would have another championship run in us, but deep down I knew our best days were behind us.

I kept watching in college, but knowing it was going to happen. They were going to lose, and I was going to have to listen to all the obnoxious Cardinals fans compare the Braves to the Buffalo Bills. That one World Series title wasn't enough, not when you had won the division for a decade running. I became a staunch defender, lashing out at anyone calling me a bandwagon fan. Just because the Cubs turned Turner Field into the southernmost North Side suburb in the 2003 NLDS never meant I didn't love the Braves with all my heart. That part of me hadn't wavered one bit, even if the public perception of the Braves had.

However, every life experiences change, and for me one of the most profound changes I experienced was watching the Braves take different incarnations. I had had a grandparent and our family's dog die before I hit the fifth grade, but nothing was quite like the changes to the Braves. I cried the day Dale Murphy was traded and the day Fulton County Stadium was blown up. I watched General Manager John Schuerholz bring in new faces almost every year. I still pine for the days of Ron Gant and Mark Lemke - they were the guys I grew up with. But, like the rest of life, our sports teams can't stay the same forever. The Braves are still my team, and I'll keep cheering for them just like I did as a toddler on my dad's lap. Come on, Braves - start another run next year.

Oh, the Possibilities

2006-09-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

With Matt's preview of the NFL season complete, it's time to take the predictions even further. I present to you the even less likely picks for the first round of the 2007 NFL Draft. Remember, not only are we predicting the order of the teams, I'm also predicting which players will come out early, Most Awkward Rookie Moments, and even a blockbuster trade in the first round! Speaking of which, here's the draft order:

1. Vikings
2. Titans
3. Browns
4. Jaguars
5. Raiders
6. 49ers
7. Texans
8. Jets
9. Bills
10. Saints
11. Giants
12. Eagles
13. Falcons
14. Ravens
15. Packers
16. Dolphins
17. Cowboys
18. Chargers
19. Lions
20. Cardinals
21. Steelers
22. Bengals
23. Buccaneers
24. Broncos
25. Rams
26. Chiefs
27. Redskins
28. Bears
29. Patriots
30. Seahawks
31. Panthers
32. Colts

Let's go to New York...

The Vikings are on the clock after a miserable 1-15 season. "Love Boat" jokes still won't die, Brad Johnson retired and Tavaris Jackson was exposed as not ready for NFL defenses, performance in the preseason notwithstanding. The team needs a new leader, a new face for the franchise, and providence has provided such a visage. Brady Quinn, everyone's All-American, unanimously sits atop draft boards around the country. Notre Dame's golden boy would be a perfect fit for a team in the heartland searching for direction.

As Roger Goodell announces Minnesota is on the clock, the football world expects him to return in record time to announce the pick. But he doesn't. Five minutes pass with no explanation. Chris Mortensen reports the Vikings are considering Adrian Peterson and Paul Posluszny, but only because he's supposed to come up with something. Ten minutes gone - five to go. Minnesota has a history of mismanaging the clock on Draft Day, but there's no way they let zeroes hit without making a selection, is there? Two minutes left. One minute. Thirty seconds...

Goodell emerges to the largest cheer ever heard at a draft, and Chris Berman jokes the Vikings will be plundering again once they sign Brady "Ain't Seen Nothing Like the Mighty" Quinn. But, as Lee Corso likes to say, not so fast, my friend.

Goodell speaks into the microphone, "There has been a trade..." and the rest is unintelligible as Madison Square Garden erupts into a confused combination of cheers, boos and idle chatter. The roar dies just enough to hear, "With the first pick of the 2007 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select Brady Quinn, quarterback, University of Notre Dame."

Pandemonium.

Quinn cannot believe what's going on. He's elated to be the first pick - it's a dream come true - but to have it happen in a whirlwind of chaos, he's not sure what to think. From Touchdown Jesus to the Black Hole. Golden Dome to the Silver and Black. He dons his Raiders cap to confirm the transformation. He has become the real-life Anakin Skywalker, but this was not a choice. He walks to the stage and shakes hands with the commish, still in a haze. He says all the right things in his post-draft interview, but at the very end a slight smirk rides across his face. Maybe he's waited for this all along...

As the confusion dies down, Mortensen reports that the Raiders have traded their first round pick, their third rounder and next year's first round pick for the #1 slot. Al Davis wanted to bring back the glory to Raider Nation before he dies and bet the farm on Quinn. Davis poses with Quinn for the PR staff, but tells his new QB quietly, "You're a long way from South Bend, pretty boy. Time to be a man."

"The Tennessee Titans are now on the clock."

The rest of the draft will be done without the drama. We all know the '07 Draft is really only about Quinn, anyway.

2. Titans - Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma
Tennessee can't pass up the easiest bet in the draft. Chris Henry and LenDale White aren't the complete package, and Peterson is. His combination of size, speed and vision takes the pressure off Tennessee's QB next year, whoever it is.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Upon going to his first karaoke bar in Nashville, Peterson realizes he doesn't know any country songs.

3. Browns - Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin
Romeo Crennel is committed to building his team by dominating the line of scrimmage first and worrying about the rest later. Thomas gives Reuben Droughns a huge body to run behind and Charlie Frye will definitely be jumping for joy as Thomas' name is announced.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Kellen Winslow II stares blankly at Thomas for 60 seconds because Thomas asked Winslow to block.

4. Jaguars - Paul Posluszny, LB, Penn State
Jacksonville really wanted to pull the trigger and take Michael Bush, but they couldn't justify using such a high pick on someone who spent the year injured. They entertained notions of trading down, but instead went with solidifying their linebacker corps. Posluszny will be a leader on that defense for years.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Posulszny, with only the best intentions at heart, tries to start a charity that gives children heavy coats before the winter.

5. Vikings - Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
The Vikes get their NFL ready quarterback anyway. Brohm has the same physical tools as Quinn without the name recognition. We'll see if he can handle the pressure of being "The Guy Minnesota Traded Brady Quinn For."
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Brohm, not knowing that a "hotdish" is a food item, refuses to touch one unless the fan offering it puts it down on the table.

6. 49ers - Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson
The Niners are getting a foundation on offense with Alex Smith and Frank Gore, so it's time to focus on the other side of the ball. Losing LB Julian Peterson last offseason left them without a player who could disrupt an entire offense. Adams is capable of picking up where Peterson left off.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Uhhh, how about Adams going from small-town South Carolina to San Francisco?

7. Texans - Justin Blalock, OT, Texas
This is the year the Texans finally get it and shore up their woeful offensive line. Blalock is a mauler who can open up huge holes for Reggie Bush...oh, wait, that's right, they didn't draft him. Well, David Carr will still be happy to hear he'll only get sacked three times every game now.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Upon moving into his new house in Houston, Blalock finds Carr, Carr's family and Carr's insurance agent in the driveway waiting for him with food and offers to set him up with their nice female friends.

8. Jets - Kenny Irons, RB, Auburn
Curtis Martin's retirement left the Jets without an everydown back. Irons can step right in as the starter - he's fast but strong enough between the tackles to handle the workload. Glaring weakness, meet player with exceptional talent. This is how the draft is supposed to work.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: At a reception with Jets legends, Irons is backed into a corner by a drunk Joe Namath, who yells "Roll Tide!" for a good 15 minutes before anyone notices and eventually drags Namath out of the party.

9. Bills - Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech
The most physically ready wideout lands on a team desperate for playmakers. J.P. Losman may not be the long-term solution at QB, but even Peyton Manning would have a hard time with Buffalo's current receiving corps. Johnson is 6'5'' with blazing speed and tremendous agility. He'll make Buffalo's QB, whoever he is, look good.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Pretty much whenever he sees snow.

10. Saints - Dwayne Jarrett, WR, USC
Hardly a slouch himself, Jarrett will make for an excellent compliment to Joe Horn and can slide in at the #1 receiver spot when Horn's skills begin to erode. Jarrett is a polished receiver after working in USC's pro-style offense for three years and can contribute immediately.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Jarrett arrives to practice 90 minutes early because he assumed all traffic was like Los Angeles.

11. Giants - Marcus Thomas, DT, Florida
The G-Men have a great pair of DEs in Strahan and Osi, but they need someone to stuff the run on the inside. Thomas will eat up space and command double teams, giving the end rushers more opportunities to make big plays.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Thomas gets confused when the drills change over and ends up on the Jets' side of the Meadowlands for practice.

12. Eagles - Rufus Alexander, LB, Oklahoma
The Eagles' D, while solid, could use an upgrade at OLB. Alexander can fly from sideline to sideline dragging down the ballcarrier. His speed will also help Jim Johnson's blitz-heavy defensive schemes.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: In an attempt to be friendly to his new cohabitants, Alexander smiles and waves at passersby. He's in Philly, so you can guess how well that goes over.

13. Falcons - LaRon Landry, FS, LSU
After shoring up the two corner positions, Atlanta can turn to safety in its quest to make its defense impenetrable. Landry can come up to stop the run or step back in coverage. He has great instincts and would have been a first-rounder if he had come out last year. The extra year of seasoning in the SEC will make him that much smarter and ready to step in from the first snap.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Landry somehow picks the same fake name to use at a hotel as QB Michael Vick.

14. Ravens - Ted Ginn, WR/PR, Ohio State
The speedy Ginn gives Baltimore a deep threat they currently don't possess. He can stretch the field and open up the running game - unless the opposing defense is willing to let him run behind the coverage and burn them all en route to the endzone, of course. Ginn is also a very accomplished punt returner who will shorten the field for the Ravens offense more times than not.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Ginn scores on his first play in training camp and points his finger at Ray Lewis for 0.004 seconds before realizing what he just did.

15. Packers - Quentin Moses, DE, Georgia
KGB needs a playmate on the other end of the D-line, similar to a Strahan/Osi situation. Moses can help Green Bay with his agility and relentless pursuit of the quarterback. Look for A.J. Hawk's tackles to skyrocket with all the double teams opposing offensive lines will need to employ to stop the Pack's new end.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Moses goes out in Green Bay looking for the hot clubs.

16. Dolphins - Sam Baker, OT, USC
Baker is a very intelligent player who won't be overwhelmed by NFL offensive schemes. He'll probably start at RT but could move to LT with experience; either way, the Dolphins pass protection has gotten a significant upgrade.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: After one too many requests by one of his hangers-on, Baker yells, "I told you! Ricky Williams doesn't play here any more! I can't hook you up!" in earshot of Nick Saban.

17. Cowboys - Drew Stanton, QB, Michigan State
Dallas just can't get enough of QBs named Drew. This newer model is slightly more agile than Bledsoe (but then again so are my dead ancestors) with just as powerful an arm. He doesn't have the polish of Quinn or Brohm, so I'd recommend the Carson Palmer Treatment and sit him for a year before bringing him into the spotlight. If given the opportunity to fully digest the offense in a stress-free environment he should shine.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Stanton runs onto the field after hearing Parcells bark out, "Drew, let's take it to 'em." The Cowboys suffer a penalty for too many men on the field.

18. Chargers - Adam Carriker, DE, Nebraska
San Diego has done it again. They've patiently bided their time until a defensive standout fell into their laps. Carriker is a beast who can either muscle his way through a blocker or use his speed to run around him. Combining him with Shawne Merriman equals long days for AFC West quarterbacks for the foreseeable future.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Carriker tries to surf.

19. Lions - Brandon Meriwether, SS, Miami
The Lions failed in the efforts to create a devastating passing attack, so they might as well try to take away everyone else's vertical game. At the very least the addition of Meriwether will make receivers think twice about running across the middle. I'll go out on a limb and say this will be a safer pick than Charles Rogers.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: After scanning the 'scenery' at a club in downtown Detroit, Meriwether asks the vets, "So when do the hot chicks show up?"

20. Cardinals - Patrick Willis, LB, Mississippi
After the tragic death of Pat Tillman, Arizona's defense has gone without a leader. Carlos Rogers and Karlos Dansby are fine players, but neither is the type to rally the unit. Willis played the majority of his junior year with a cast and multiple injuries. He can provide the leadership that will inspire the rest of the defense and raise its level of play overall.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Before a game, Willis recounts the previous evening to the rest of the locker room, including an episode in which he rebuffed Paris Hilton's advances claiming he'd "catch something just from standing next to her."

21. Steelers - Jeff Samardzija, WR, Notre Dame
Few players shot up the draft boards last season like "The Shark." He's always been a natural athlete (signed with the Cubs, as many of you know), but under Weis he's learned the nuances of route running. As loved as Hines Ward is in Pittsburgh, he can't make all the catches. Besides, can't you see Pittsburgh falling in love with someone with a nickname like "The Shark?" If anything else, he and Polamalu can have a contest to see who can have the longest hair.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Samardzija goes on to pitch for the Cubs, and is slated to start against the Pirates the day before a Steelers game.

22. Bengals - Lawrence Jackson, DE, USC
The offense is stacked, but the defense doesn't scare quite enough. Fearmongering begins up front, and the down lineman have done little in that department. Yes, even my alma mater's Justin Smith isn't living up to his responsibilities as the #4 draft pick from 2001. That could change if he had Jackson lining up opposite him, though. Jackson has been referred to as "Mr. Mayhem" for his boundless energy and ability to blow up plays. That spark could be what sends Cincinnati's defense into the ranks of the elite.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Jackson is found out after he tries to fit in with the rest of the defense by telling fake stories about his time in jail.

23. Buccaneers - Levi Brown, OT, Penn State
The Bucs did a lot of work in last year's draft to shore up the offensive line with Davin Joseph and Jeremy Trueblood, but the work's not done. Brown can play either side, but right now operates the LT spot. He might need to move to RT in the future to protect lefty Chris Simms' blind spot. Meanwhile, Cadillac starts to think the last weekend in April is better than Christmas.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Brown buys snowblowers as gifts for all the veteran offensive linemen.

24. Broncos - Michael Bush, RB, Louisville
If there's one person in the NFL who thinks he can take a RB and make him a star, it's Mike Shanahan. Denver's coach won't care about the injury; he'll just see what Bush was beforehand - an everydown back that the Broncos haven't had in years. No more Bell on Bell action, just one reclamation project to run for 1,600 yards a year.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Bush scores a TD in the preseason and tries the Mile High Salute, only to inadvertently poke one of his offensive linemen in the eye.

25. Rams - Greg Olsen, TE, Miami
The U has been referred to as a linebacker factory and a runningback factory, but maybe it's time to think of it as a tight end factory, too. Olsen is merely the latest 6'5'' athletic TE with pass-catching ability, and Linehan won't be able to resist giving Bulger a safety net when Bruce and Holt are covered like flies on...well, you know.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Upon his first visit to St. Louis, Olsen remarks, "Oh, I thought the Arch was in Kansas City."

26. Chiefs - Sidney Rice, WR, South Carolina
Does anyone else wonder how Trent Green threw for 4,000 yards in three consecutive seasons? Who did he throw to? Rice will provide the answer in the years to come, whether it's Green or Brodie Croyle at the helm. Rice probably would have gone higher if he came with more publicity, but he'll get his due soon enough. He's big and fast, and with a little more polish he'll make more than a couple Pro Bowls.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: After a trip to Gates, remarks, "The barbecue is better down South."

27. Redskins - Quinn Pitcock, DT, Ohio State
Not all important acquisitions have to be made through free agency, Mr. Snyder. Pitcock is very quick for a DT and can help not only in stopping the run but in the pass rush as well. The 'Skins need to get better up the middle and Pitcock is as good a starting point as any.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Pitcock can't help but laugh as he meets Dan Snyder for the first time and sees just how short he is.

28. Bears - Tom Zbikowski, FS, Notre Dame
I can see the reaction from Packers fans now... "Yes, this is exactly what the Bears need: a hard-hitting FS with a mohawk to improve the only possible weak link on their defense." Zbikowski is the yin to Brady Quinn's golden boy yang, and the Soldier Field faithful will quickly embrace him as yet another Monster of the Midway.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Let's see, a Polish guy from Notre Dame playing in Chicago...nope, I've got nothing here. He'll be right at home from Day 1.

29. Patriots - Marcus McCauley, CB, Fresno State
I think everyone agrees the Pats' secondary could use an overhaul. McCauley is the kind of unheralded player Belichick loves to groom into the next unassuming assassin for New England. McCauley's great instincts will lead to an immediate starting role...or the fact that the Patriots have been letting season ticket holders play corner. Either one.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: During the Patriots' bye week, McCauley gets to the film room three hours early because he forgot that the early game was at 1, not the late game.

30. Seahawks - Jason Hill, WR, Washington State
Matt Hasselback should be commended for his performance as Seattle's field general despite underachieving talent at wideout. His reward? A 6'4'' receiver with great hands who'll make everyone forget all those dropped balls of seasons past.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Hill walks into a Seattle bar during the Apple Cup wearing all his old Wazzu gear.

31. Panthers - Matt Spaeth, TE, Minnesota
Seeing as how Carolina's D is about as stacked as you can ask for in a league with such a tight salary cap, the Panthers have no choice but to look to the other side of the ball. Luckily, Spaeth is not exactly an exercise in compromise. He can block for DeAngelo Williams or run routes with equal aplomb. Is he the final piece of the Super Bowl puzzle?
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Spaeth goes to a NASCAR race with Jake Delhomme. Enough said.

32. Colts - Leon Hall, CB, Michigan
Indianapolis did so well drafting Marlon Jackson, so why not take his protégé? Hall can begin his NFL career as a nickel cover man while learning Tony Dungy's defense. With better footwork he can be a solid cover man in the pros.
Most Awkward Rookie Moment: Before practice he makes a bet that the offense won't score all day, and if they do, each defensive player has to buy an offensive player a Hummer.

And that's how it'll happen.

New Feature: The Offensive Line

2006-09-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

Every week I'll be running picks and analysis of lines for NCAA and NFL football.

This sophisticated advice comes from a casual fan, with absolutely no experience, no qualifications, and very little insight. If you actually use this as your guide, you should probably enjoy the smell of fresh garbage, because you'll be living in it soon.

Remember, betting is bad, and if you do it, you go to the hell.

On to damnation!

NCAA
Maryland (+17.5) at West Virginia (-17.5): You know, the BCS is a lot like the vagina. You can learn all you want to about it, and it's probably still going to mistify you. West Virginia has to be scared of the BCS like a 13 year old-mormon is afraid of the female reproductive system. They know how it's supposed to work, but Lord knows what's actually going to happen. Western Virginia is going to go undefeated, barring a complete meltdown. They've got NO ONE on the schedule. Unfortunately, that may hurt their national title hopes. Either way, WVU is a pretty safe one here, althought I feel it's important to note that Maryland is 4-1 against the spread in last 5 times versus WVU.

Pick: WVU and the points.

Syracuse (+3.5) at Illinois (-3.5): Upset alert! I know, I know. It's Syracuse. But remember, it's also Illinois. The Illinois that got shut out by Rutgers last weekend. Syracuse is coached by Gregg Robinson. You may remember him as the architect of the Chiefs defense from 2000 to 2005. Wait! Before you run for the hills, before that he was defensive coordinator for the Broncos during their SuperBowl run, and defensive coordinator at Texas for 2004, when they were phenomenal. This guy has Syracuse holding the unders in each game. Syracuse lost a heartbreaker in OT to Iowa last week. I think the defense will hold and Syracuse will come away at least inside the spread on this one. Call me crazy.

Pick: Syracuse.

Michigan State (+3.5) at Pittsburgh(-3.5): I also like the Spartans here. Drew Stanton is maddd. Pittsburgh is eehhhh. Michigan State has more offense, and if this thing goes past the over/under, the Spartans are rolling. Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but the Big East is the football conference version of David Sedaris (there's some smart stuff there, but you wouldn't pick them in a fight), and the Big East is a multi-billion dollar form or Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots.

Pick: Michigan State straight up.

Alabama Birmington (+17) at Georgia (-17): Georgia is the only SEC powerhouse not facing a titanic game this weekend, and should be in solid form to shine while the others are beating the crap out of one another. Let me put it this way. UAB couldn't cover versus East Carolina, and Georgia whumped the Gamecocks and the spread 18-0. I know, Freshman quarterback for Georgia. However, he was expected to start eventually anyway. Points, for the love of God, pick Georgia to cover. Forget Oklahoma, it was the first game of the season and the Sooners are way overrated.

Pick: Georgia, to cover, and cover, and cover some more.

Boise State (-7.5) at Wyoming (+7.5): This looks like a bookie adjustment to get action on Wyoming. Boise State obliterated Oregon State last week, while Wyoming was edged out by Virginia. Boise State's offense is high-powered right now behind Ian Johnson. Even though they're not playing on the field that makes me think I'm at Willie Wonka's, I like the Broncos here.

Pick: Boise State to cover.

LSU (+3.5) at Auburn (-3.5): In what will be the game of the week, Auburn faces LSU in an SEC West showdown, early in the season. Both teams have been dominant, both teams know each other well, both teams foster a healthy disregard for the other's safety. That's a recipe for some SEC whoopins! I think Auburn and Iron's offense will be too much for the Tigers, especially on the road. Auburn's 8-0-1 against the spread last 9 games. If this were any other two SEC teams, I'd think a fieldgoal differential was possible, but with Auburn, they're either losing, or covering.

Pick: Auburn to cover.

Games to stay away from:
Michigan (+6.5) at Notre Dame(-6.5): I like the Irish here, but the spread is just too tight with Hart on the field.
Oklahoma (+4.5) at Oregon (-4.5): This just reeks of a trap either way. Oregon has been fantastic against the spread at home, but the Pac 10 has been getting killed outside of conference versus major conference teams this year, and Oklahoma looks like they've remembered who they are. The Ducks have got the edge statswise, but they've also never beaten Oklahoma. This is a no-go, Houston.

Gimme-Gimme's (Me First!):
USC over Nebraska to cover
Missouri over New Mexico to cover.
Texas A&M over Army, but not to cover

Prop Bets:
Over/Under for Confederate Flags in parking lot at LSU vs. Auburn game: 250
Over/Under for references to Hurricane Katrina during LSU vs. Auburn game: 7
Odds of Adrian Peterson declaring for NFL draft after Oregon game: 10 to 1

Last note: How bad is Colorado? Well, last week they were defeated by Colorado State, who this week is getting 2... from Nevada. Can the Big 12 trade Colorado for someone, please? Anybody?

NFL:

So, after going 9-7 for the first week of my pre-season, things could have been worse. I'm at +.500, so I'm not Clarretting yet.

So, after reviewing what actually happened last week, let's look at the spreads a little closer on some games.

Tennessee "Oh My God, Who's Starting?!"(+12) at San Diego (Super)Chargers(-12): The over/under is 37.5, I'd take the Chargers, and Merrimann to hit the over...on sacks. If I were Jeff Fisher, after the way Merrimann dismantled the Raiders last week, I'd hide Vince Young in the locker room, under some towels, covered with netting, in a closet, with the lightbulb removed from the light. And a lock on the door.

Pick: Chargers to cover, under on points.

New Orleans Saints (-3) at Green Bay Death Rattle (+3): If the Saints manage to win and cover the 3.5, here, they will have officially turned into the 2006 NFL Team You Do Not Bet Against. Last year it was the Panthers, this year it could be the Saints. I like Brees to carve up a weak secondary, and the ever-present Reggie Bush factor convinces me all the more. Until Brett Favre has that moment where he walks in front of a mirror and goes "Wait a minute! I'm Brett Favre!" I like the over on this at 38. I think Favre will be able to get some offense going against the Saints, turning this one into a shootout.

Pick: New Orleans to cover, over on points.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+6) at Atlanta Falcons (-6): Helllo, instant history! Yes, the Falcons looked good last week. Yes, Michael Vick acted like an actual pro quarterback. And yes, the Bucs looked absolutely pathetic. However, Tampa is 9-2 in it's last 11 versus Atlanta, including 5-1 against the spread. I think Gruden will settle Simms down, and not having Ed Reed and Ray Lewis across the line will help a lot. Take the under, because this is going to be a lot of "Cadillac Williams...carries for 2 yards" and "Vick, back to pass... incomplete."

Pick: Tampa Bay to cover, under on 36.

New York Kid Es (+3) at Philadelphia Playa Haters(-3) : Hi! My name's Donte Stallworth! I enjoy fishing, the company of close friends, and having a quarterback as pissed off as I am! So, you've got the Eagles...at home... versus a suspect Giants defense... after beating a surprisngly not that bad Houston team last week... only giving 3. At home. Good to know Rush Limbaugh is still setting lines for the sports world.

Pick: Eagles to cover, under on 43.

Pittsburgh Official...I mean, Steelers at Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars should first watch film of Superbowl XL, then of the Red Flag incident in week one. Then watch the movie 'Real Genius' with Val Kilmer. There's a line they should pay attention to. "Even if you pass, you don't pass." Steelers will win by more than the 2 they're giving. And even if they don't, they will. Savy?

Pick: Steelers by hook or by crook to cover, under on over/under 37.

Stay away from:
Bills (+7) at Miami(-7): Unless you have one of those doors like in 'Being John Malkovich' and can figure out what the hell is going on in Dante Culpepper's head.
St. Louis Rams (-3) at San Francisco 49ers(+3): 49ers are feeling frisky this year, and St. Louis loves da letdown game.
Kansas City Chiefs(+11) at Denver Broncos(-11): AFC West game. KC has no QB. Denver has no RB. Jake Plummer and Ty Law are involved. Stay away. No good for you.
Oakland Raiders (+12) at Baltimore Ravens (-12): Don't drink the KoolAid! Don't do it! It's the same Ravens team! Don't! Put the McNair down! I know it's Aaron brooks, but the points, man, think of the points!

Prop Bets:
Aaron Brooks awarded AFC Offensive Player of the Week for Week2: 150 to 1
Over/Under on times you will see Peyton or Eli Manning if you watch football all day including either the Colts or Giants game: 60.
Odds on a Week 2 TO blowup: 15 to 1.

Your 2006 NFL Co-op

2006-09-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

To all that were directed to this site (because nobody reads this thing on its own), we present to you our 2006 NFL predictions. We don't act like little pussies and only give you the records, oh no. Matt gives you EVERY MOTHERFUCKING GAME. He's hardcore like that. And in the days to come Jason will build on these predictions by creating his 2007 Mock Draft. Yes, we're both gainfully employed and no longer live with our parents, shut your mouth. On to the picks!

Week 1:
Miami 24, Pittsburgh 13
Atlanta 13 at Carolina 28
Baltimore 9 at Tampa Bay 16
Buffalo 3 at New England 21
Cincinatti 28 at Kansas City 13
Denver 13 at St. Louis 10
New Orleans 20 at Cleveland 10
N.Y. Jets 10 at Tennessee 24
Philadelphia 31 at Houston 16
Seattle 28 at Detroit 6
Chicago 17 at Green Bay 13
Dallas 21 at Jacksonville 20
San Francisco 10 at Arizona 21
Indianapolis 35 at N.Y. Giants 24
Minnesota 13 at Washington 20
San Diego 21 at Oakland 17

News, Scores, Highlights: Baltimore fans saddened to find that moving Steve McNair several thousand miles does not magically make him younger... Eli found in locker room post-game crying "No fair!"... Chicago vs. Green Bay first game in NFL history with all touchdowns scored by interception returns... Titans coach Jeff Fisher livid with team's sorry inability to beat Jets by more... The Aaron Brooks era begins... Minnesota sucks.

Week 2:

Buffalo 10 at Miami 24
Carolina 31at Minnesota 7
Cleveland 14 at Cincinnati 21
Detroit 10 at Chicago 21
Houston 10 at Indianapolis 41
New Orleans 24 at Green Bay 21
N.Y. Giants 17 at Philadelphia 13
Oakland 13 at Baltimore 16
Tampa Bay 24 at Atlanta 13
Arizona 10 at Seattle 27
St. Louis 31 at San Francisco 24
Kansas City 13 at Denver 20
New England 35 at N.Y. Jets 10
Tennessee 15 at San Diego 21
Washington 17 at Dallas 21
Pittsburgh 31 at Jacksonville 28

News, Scores, Highlights: New Orleans finds new hope post-Katrina, discovering things could be worse, they could be the Packers. Tampa Bay's Derrick Brooks fined $27,000 by the NFL for physically tattooing "Derrick Brooks owns me" on Michael Vick during a dogpile, Vick afraid to remove it... LaDainian Tomlinson scores touchdown crawling on hands and knees, slowly, while eating a doughnut and sipping a martini, Pacman Jone unable to make tackle due to legal problems... Pittsburgh amazed to discover that the Devil really does get his Due... Minnesota really sucks.

Week 3:

Carolina 17 at Tampa Bay 15
Chicago 21 at Minnesota 17
Cincinnati 35 at Pittsburgh 14
Green Bay 28 at Detroit 13
Jacksonville 31 at Indianapolis 38
N.Y. Jets 6 at Buffalo 12
Tennessee 20 at Miami 41
Washington 31 at Houston 0
Baltimore 6 at Cleveland 7
N.Y. Giants 17 at Seattle 24
Philadelphia 20 at San Francisco 21
St. Louis 13 at Arizona 16
Denver 24 at New England 20
Atlanta 17 at New Orleans 13

News, Scores, Highlights: Simms disturbed to find lactations and foam on his uniform following loss to Panthers... Carson Palmer throws for 400 yds and 4 touchdowns, has to be forcibly removed from field by teammates while screaming "Tear my $#@%ing ACL, now B*tches! Tear my ACL now!"... Jacksonville holds Indianapolis to 250 yards of offense and produces 31 points, including a career day for Matt Jones... and still finds a way to lose... McNair frustrated that Willie McGinest is in fact, older than him, yet still McGinest still kicks his ass with the Browns... Arizona players handing out t-shirts to fans; "No, really, we're actually better, we mean it"... Jake Plummer begins 2006 campaign to trick sports world into believing he's an adequate quarterback... Minnesota might suck less than the Jets...

Week 4:

Arizona 24 at Atlanta 21
Dallas 28 at Tennessee 17
Indianapolis 42 at N.Y. Jets 16
Miami 31 at Houston 13
Minnesota 21 at Buffalo 20
New Orleans 13 at Carolina 20
San Diego 30 at Baltimore 16
San Francisco 14 at Kansas City 24
Detroit 21 at St. Louis 13
Cleveland 10 at Oakland 17
Jacksonville 28 at Washington 27
New England 28 at Cincinnati 20
Seattle 28 at Chicago 24
Green Bay 13 at Philadelphia 20

News, Scores, Highlights: Peyton Manning has a career day but takes no joy in it; he was facing the Jets... the TO show comes to Tennessee; before the game, Tennessee security is placed outside of locker room to make sure TO has absolutely no influence on already volatile Vince Young... Mario Williams has three sack day; unfortunately, it was on Joey Harrington, all in the fourth quarter... Kansas City takes frustration with difficult schedule out on 49ers, no one notices... Sports world mistified at incompetence of Madden curse... Minnesota wins! Minnesota wins!

Week 5:

Buffalo 13 at Chicago 10
Cleveland 7 at Carolina 10
Detroit 28 at Minnesota 21
Miami 17 at New England 31
St. Louis 35 at Green Bay 18
Tampa Bay 17 at New Orleans 10
Tennessee 20 at Indianapolis 31
Washington 28 at N.Y. Giants 21
Kansas City 17 at Arizona 7
N.Y. Jets 10 at Jacksonville16
Oakland 16 at San Francisco 20
Dallas 20 at Philadelphia 34
Baltimore 10 at Denver 35

News, Scores, Highlights: Haha! Buffalo manages to find a way to victory despite Brian Urlacher killing J.P. Losman... or is that, because of... St. Louis unleashes the 'Greatest Show on Lambeau Field This Year, but That Has Mostly To Do with the Packers"... Reggie Bush begins to discover why Michael Vick fell into maniacal laughter when Bush said "I'm looking forward to all the tough teams in our division"... Jason Campbell takes the helm in Washington, Gibbs reluctantly admits that a young'n did something right... TO experiment starting to go horribly wrong; in completely unrelated news, Donovan McNabb does 10 minute post-game on TO cardboard cutout... No, no wait. Minnesota still sucks.

Week 6:

Buffalo 13 at Detroit 16
Carolina 21 at Baltimore 24
Cincinnati 31 at Tampa Bay 28
Houston 3 at Dallas 17
N.Y. Giants 20 at Atlanta 38
Philadelphia 13 at New Orleans 21
Seattle 17 at St. Louis 28
Tennessee 10 at Washington 14
Kansas City 14 at Pittsburgh 24
Miami 42 at N.Y. Jets 6
San Diego 19 at San Francisco 16
Oakland 16 at Denver 23
Chicago 16 at Arizona 21

News, Scores, Highlights: Detroit continues to annhiliate NFL prop bettors left and right... Steve McNair wills his way to victory, has to be resuscitated following game... Chad Johnson attempts complex TD celebration, only to find Simeon Rice give him the "Terry Tate: Office Linebacker" treatment... Dallas gets back in that feel good state of mind with the easiest of remedies. Playing the Texans... Um... Have I mentioned Ben Roethelisburger returns to form this week?... San Diego enjoys only yearly opportunity to feel like it's better than San Francisco... Al Davis chokes Art Shell on live TV using the force... Kurt Warner rushes for a carrer-high 67 yards and the winning touchdown...out of fear... Minnesota ties with bye week, analysts speculate the bye week let them off easy...

Week 7:

Carolina 24 at Cincinnati 7
Detroit 13 at N.Y. Jets 7
Green Bay 17 at Miami 10
Jacksonville 17 at Houston 10
New England 31 at Buffalo 6
Philadelphia 21 at Tampa Bay 20
Pittsburgh 20 at Atlanta 35
San Diego 10 at Kansas City 24
Denver 10 at Cleveland 16
Arizona 19 at Oakland 13
Minnesota 7 at Seattle 35
Washington 28 at Indianapolis 13
N.Y. Giants 21 at Dallas 20

News, Scores, Highlights: Carolina decides it's time to start trying... The Jets decide it's not... Brett Favre has can of spinach, declares pre-game, "I have all I can standsk and I can't standsk no more!"... Eagles continue to irk opponents and spread-bettors... Larry Johnson goes bezerk when Herm Edwards brainwashes him into believing linebackers are all ex-girlfriends... Universe explodes when entire former Browns line play actual Browns line... and lose... after a Kurt Warner concussion from Michael Huff, Matt Leinert leads Cards (Buzzsaw, anyone?) to victory, quietly muttering "You cost me $5 million in signing bonuses, assholes"... Indianapolis found to be comprised of humans after all, Texans demand more tests... T.O. drops winning touchdown catch, cries on field. ESPN covers crying episode with Full-Circle coverage, featuring analysis on ESPN2 from Dr. Phil and Mr. T... Minnesota sends formal letter of request to only play bye week for the rest of the seson to league office...

Week 8:

Arizona 10 at Green Bay 24
Atlanta 7 at Cincinnati 31
Baltimore 42 at New Orleans 21
Houston 21 at Tennessee 13
Jacksonville 13 at Philadelphia 7
Seattle 17 at Kansas City 35
San Francisco 10 at Chicago 28
Tampa Bay 20 at N.Y. Giants 28
St. Louis 31 at San Diego 27
Indianapolis 34 at Denver 31
N.Y. Jets 13 at Cleveland 7
Pittsburgh 17 at Oakland 13
Dallas 24 at Carolina 27
New England 35 at Minnesota 21

News, Scores, Highlights: Brett Favre wallops Cardinals (Buzzsaw, anyone?), kisses Ahman Green, thinking he's Olive Oil... Chad Johnson brings out Jagged Edge for touchdown celebration... Kansas City reminds Seattle that though it may have escaped the AFC West and gone to a soft-ass division and gone to the Superbowl, they are still the Chiefs' bitch... St. Louis proves once again that European Catholics are more powerful than Spanish Catholics... The sound heard is Al Davis' patience running out on the Art Shell experiment 2.0... Keyshawn Johnson and T.O. cancel each other out, Julius Jones and DeShaun Foster cancel each other out, Jake Delhomme and Drew Bledsoe cancel each other out, Dan Morgan cancels the rest of the Cowboys forever... Minnesota begins to miss "Good ol' days of the sex boat scandal..."

Week 9:

Atlanta 10 at Detroit 16
Cincinnati 17 at Baltimore 21
Dallas 17 at Washington 24
Green Bay 20 at Buffalo 24
Houston 13 at N.Y. Giants 10
Kansas City 38 at St. Louis 20
Miami 7 at Chicago 13
New Orleans 13 at Tampa Bay 28
Tennessee 16 at Jacksonville 13
Minnesota 17 at San Francisco 21
Cleveland 17 at San Diego 35
Denver 28 at Pittsburgh 21
Indianapolis 35 at New England 24
Oakland 13 at Seattle 28

News, Scores, Highlights: Michael Vick found postgame muttering to himself and rocking, "The Lions? The fucking Lions?"... Barbecue defeats Toasted Ravioli in a shocker... Reggie Bush confused by box containing tattoo ink sent to his hotel room before game... Brad Johnson surrenders helm of "barely adequate, always bordering on overrated/underrated white, smart QB" to Alex Smith... LaDainian Tomlinson runs through hole bigger than a whale's vagina on way to 3 touchdown performance... Adam Vinatieri sends New England into bloodlust with cocky smirk, receives hugs and presents from Peyton Manning... I'm serious. Minnesota is fucking horrible...

Week 10:

Baltimore 20 at Tennessee 10
Buffalo 16 at Indianapolis 49
Chicago 14 at N.Y. Giants 13
Cleveland 20 at Atlanta 23
Green Bay 21 at Minnesota 17
Houston 20 at Jacksonville 10
Kansas City 17 at Miami 10
New Orleans 34 at Pittsburgh 42
N.Y. Jets 10 at New England 28
San Diego 35 at Cincinnati 27
San Francisco 13 at Detroit 20
Washington 24 at Philadelphia 23
Denver 10 at Oakland 24
Dallas 21 at Arizona 13
St. Louis 20 at Seattle 35
Tampa Bay 21 at Carolina 20

News, Scores, Highlights: Revenge is Steve McNair's! His non-playoff team with older talent, an unstable core of veterans and a lunatic head coach on the hotseat is way better than your young and up and coming group of talented athletic players headed by a highly succesful coach with an electrifying young quarterback! That'll show you!... Indianapolis trying to put on cruise control keeps destroying teams... Chad Pennington's arm finally falls off, Deion Branch recommends it hold out for more money... Detroit acquitted in mass suicide of NFL prop bettors... Randy Moss crosses all sorts of lines after touchdown celebration featuring Denver mascot... Minnesota proves that even a Quarterback that has jumped the shark on a bad team can beat them...

Week 11:

Atlanta 20 at Baltimore 28
Buffalo 24 at Houston 17
Chicago 16 at N.Y. Jets 13
Cincinnati 42 at New Orleans 7
Indianapolis 38 at Dallas 20
Minnesota 10 at Miami 16
New England 13 at Green Bay 21
Oakland 17 at Kansas City 13
Pittsburgh 13 at Cleveland 7
St. Louis 24 at Carolina 13
Tennessee 13 at Philadelphia 28
Washington 16 at Tampa Bay 21
Detroit 6 at Arizona 12
Seattle 13 at San Francisco 10
San Diego 14 at Denver 24
N.Y. Giants 28 at Jacksonville 16

News, Scores, Highlights: Steve McNair paints an example to Michael Vick of what a real underachieving but E for effort mobile quarterback looks like... Buffalo and Houston mutually agree to pretend like people care about the outcome of their game... "That Peyton Manning, he's so hot right now"... Brett Favre taking Popeye thing a little too far, only refers to Tom Brady as Pluto in press conferences... Carolina irritated at inability to defeat teams it knows it won't play in the playoffs... Aaron Brooks defies probability by not screwing up for three whole quarters... you should probably stop betting against Philadelphia now... Jake Plummer paints an example to Philip Rivers of what a real underachieving but seemingly clutch, however ultimately overrated QB looks like...Minnesota is shown up close and personal from Daunte Culpepper what suck means...

Week 12:

Miami 16 at Detroit 17
Tampa Bay 21 at Dallas 13
Denver 28 at Kansas City 31
Arizona 31 at Minnesota 13
Carolina 17 at Washington 13
Chicago 27 at New England 24
Cincinnati 31 at Cleveland 16
Houston 10 at N.Y. Jets 17
Jacksonville 16 at Buffalo 10
New Orleans 21 at Atlanta 17
N.Y. Giants 17 at Tennessee 14
Philadelphia 31 at Indianapolis 34
Pittsburgh 31 at Baltimore 28
San Francisco 28 at St. Louis 35
Oakland 13 at San Diego 20
Green Bay 10 at Seattle 42

News, Scores, Highlights: Tampa Bay drives a cadillac from one end of TOland to the other... Kansas City places nail in front of Jake Plummer's coffin... Dennis Green takes no joy in annhilating Minnesota with his new offense... well, almost no joy... Rex Grossman outperforms Tom Brady, no kidding!... Cincinatti reminds feisty Browns why it helps to have a quarterback...
St. Louis starts to move into playoff hunt...Oakland moves into Brady Quinn hunt... Minnesota blows, not sucks, this week.

Week 13:

Baltimore 17 at Cincinnati 20
Arizona 20 at St. Louis 24
Atlanta 7 at Washington 13
Dallas 17 at N.Y. Giants 10
Detroit 13 at New England 24
Indianapolis 31 at Tennessee 25
Jacksonville 13 at Miami 28
Kansas City 42 at Cleveland 10
Minnesota 6 at Chicago 12
N.Y. Jets 16 at Green Bay 20
San Diego 17 at Buffalo 14
San Francisco 14 at New Orleans 13
Tampa Bay 21 at Pittsburgh 17
Houston 17 at Oakland 21
Seattle 31 at Denver 34
Carolina 13 at Philadelphia 7

News, Scores, Highlights: Tom Brady freaks out people with his robot impression again... Kansas City calls police on Saturday night before Bengals showdown, easily defeat 10 remaining players... Chicago and Minnesota narrowly avoid destroying the universe via a vaccum in the space/time continuum due to negative offense... Drew Brees throws three interceptions following the media's ne nickname for him: Po'Boy... Oakland relieved to find its not THE crappiest team on Earth... Jake Delhomme at this point would like to mention that he's kind of a big deal. Just sayin'... Minnesota knees knee pads...

Week 14:

Cleveland 21 at Pittsburgh 35
Atlanta 31 at Tampa Bay 35
Baltimore 17 at Kansas City 28
Buffalo 28 at N.Y. Jets 31
Indianapolis 35 at Jacksonville 24
Minnesota 10 at Detroit 13
New England 17 at Miami 16
New Orleans 10 at Dallas 21
N.Y. Giants 13 at Carolina 20
Oakland 16 at Cincinnati 20
Philadelphia 13 at Washington 20
Tennessee 24 at Houston 31
Green Bay 17 at San Francisco 10
Seattle 24 at Arizona 21
Denver 28 at San Diego 21
Chicago 17 at St. Louis 13

News, Scores, Highlights: Michael Vick throws for 280 yds, 3 TDs before Derrick Brooks decides to start trying... Jets win "Paper Bag Bowl".... Jacksonville petitions league for realignment to any division but the one Peyton's in... Bill Bellichek informs Nick Saban that there's only room for one cold-hearted evil genius in this division... Cincinatti defeats Oakland when players woo over Black Hole based on mutual appreciation of degredation and chemical entertainment... Brett Favre pretends Alex Smith is Steve Young, leads Pack to victory with 3 TDs... Lovie Smith reminds St. Louis why he was worth so much...Minnesota asks for first game next year to be against "Little Giants..."

Week 15:

San Francisco 20 at Seattle 28
Dallas 28 at Atlanta 31
Cleveland 16 at Baltimore 13
Detroit 13 at Green Bay 10
Houston 13 at New England 24
Jacksonville 17 at Tennessee 20
Miami 24 at Buffalo 21
N.Y. Jets 35 at Minnesota 28
Philadelphia 31 at N.Y. Giants 20
Pittsburgh 17 at Carolina 10
Tampa Bay 13 at Chicago 20
Washington 20 at New Orleans 10
Denver 16 at Arizona 20
Kansas City 17 at San Diego 20
St. Louis 24 at Oakland 6
Cincinnati 20 at Indianapolis 28

News, Scores, Highlights: Seattle escapes with a win, spends week trying to figure out how San Francisco scored 20 on them... Ron Mexico is greater than TO... Lions fans reluctantly agree to cease fire with Matt Millen... Tampa Bay/Chicago annihilates over/under set at '6'... Jake the Snake returns to the desert from whence he came, only to find that no, thanks, we've found ourselves another overrated white Quarterback... Randy Moss states for the record that this is, in fact, "no fun..." Cincinnati loses to Indianapolis in Monday Night Football, fortunately most of their suspended teammates are unable to watch as County lockup doesn't get cable... Minnesota settles the "Who sucks more, the Vikings or Jets" question once and for all...

Week 16:

Minnesota 17 at Green Bay 20
Kansas City 24 at Oakland 21
Baltimore 24 at Pittsburgh 21
Carolina 28 at Atlanta 13
Chicago 17 at Detroit 6
Indianapolis 17 at Houston 16
New England 16 at Jacksonville 10
New Orleans 35 at N.Y. Giants 28
Tampa Bay 17 at Cleveland 13
Tennessee 20 at Buffalo 28
Washington 13 at St. Louis 28
Arizona 28 at San Francisco 14
Cincinnati 14 at Denver 7
San Diego 17 at Seattle 28
Philadelphia 10 at Dallas 20
N.Y. Jets 20 at Miami 34

News, Scores, Highlights: Chiefs gathering momentum for exciting first round playoff home loss... Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher wakes up to find that the Ravens have actually come back and won, impales Ben Roethelisburger on chin... Michael Vick totally willing to trade divisions with Jacksonville... The Legend of Reggie Bush begins officially... Indianapolis withholds first team offense, still beats Houston... Miami wishes it could play the Jets three times a year... Minnesota decides to help out the Brett Favre retirement tour...

Week 17:

N.Y. Giants 17 at Washington 20
Atlanta 21at Philadelphia 17
Buffalo 17 at Baltimore 21
Carolina24 at New Orleans 20
Cleveland 13 at Houston 20
Detroit 10 at Dallas 17
Green Bay 17 at Chicago 13
Jacksonville 10 at Kansas City 24
Miami 16 at Indianapolis 28
New England 31 at Tennessee 20
Oakland 17 at N.Y. Jets 21
Pittsburgh 31 at Cincinnati 28
Seattle 13 at Tampa Bay 10
St. Louis 10 at Minnesota 6
Arizona 17 at San Diego 14
San Francisco 14 at Denver 28

News, Scores, Highlights: Brett Favre wins final Game as a Packer, retires gracefully...maybe...well, let him think about it... Houston picks up steam, oh wait, that was just Frye... Seattle sets tone for playoffs, almost manage to screw up easy game... Denver slips into playoffs via Alex Smith's colon... Minnesota mulling offer to switch from USC...

AFC Offensive Season Stat Leaders:
Passing Yards: Peyton Manning
Passing TDs: Tom Brady
Interceptions: Aaron Brooks
Passing %: Peyton Manning

Rushing Attempts: Larry Johnson
Rushing Yards: LaDainian Tomlinson
Rushing TDs: Adai Stevens
Rushing YPC: LaDainian Tomlinson

Receptions: Marvin Harrison
Receiving Yards: Hines Ward
Receiving TDs: Travis Taylor
Receiving YPR: Randy Moss

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Santonio Holmes

NFC Offensive Season Stat Leaders:
Passing Yards: Matt Hasselbeck
Passing TDs: Jake Dellhome
Interceptions: Alex Smith
Passing %: Jake Dellhome

Rushing Attempts: Larry Johnson
Rushing Yards: DeShaun Foster
Rushing TDs: Shaun Alexander
Rushing YPC: Shaun Alexander

Receptions: Steve Smith
Receiving Yards: Steve Smith
Receiving TDs: Santana Moss
Receiving YPR: Steve Smith

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Reggie Bush

AFC Defensive Season Stat Leaders:
Sacks: Jared Allen
Tackles: London Fletcher-Baker
Interceptions: Champ Bailey

Defensive Rookie of the Year: Michael Huff

NFC Defesive Season Stat Leaders:
Sacks: Julius Peppers
Tackles: Brian Urlacher
Interceptions: Chris Gamble

Defensive Rookie of the Year: A.J. Hawk

Final Records (for those clever enough to skip to the end):

AFC EAST
Patriots: 12-4
Miami: 9-7
Jets: 5-11
Buffalo 5-11

AFC NORTH
Cincinnati 10-6
Pittsburgh 10-6
Baltimore 8-8
Cleveland 3-13

AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis 15-1
Jacksonville 4-12
Tennessee 3-13
Houston 5-11

AFC WEST
Kansas City 11-5
Denver 10-6
San Diego 9-7
Oakland 4-12

NFC EAST
Washington 11-5
Dallas 9-7
Philadelphia 6-10
NY Giants 5-11

NFC NORTH
Chicago 12-4
Green Bay 9-7
Detroit 9-7
Minnesota 1-15

NFC SOUTH
Carolina 13-3
Tampa Bay 10-6
Atlanta 6-10
New Orleans 5-11

NFC WEST
Seattle 13-3
St. Louis 10-6
Arizona 10-6
San Francisco 4-12

Playoffs:

Seedings:
AFC_
1.Indianapolis
2. New England
3. Kansas City
4. Cincinnati
5. Denver
6. Pittsburgh

NFC
1. Seattle
2. Carolina
3. Chicago
4. Washington
5.Tampa Bay
6. St. Louis

First round:
Pittsburgh 20 at Kansas City 21
Cincinatti 31 at Pittsburgh 28

St. Louis 13 at Chicago 24
Tampa Bay 13 at Washington 20

News and Notes: Kansas City falls behind 14-3, but come out from halftime and limit the Steelers to just 38 yards in the 3rd quarter, finally taking the win on a last second 45 yard field goal from Lawrence Tynes. Ben Roethelisburger is hammered by a resurgent Chiefs defense, is sacked 4 times and throws 4 interceptions, has beard knocked off in a loss...Cincinatti rolls the Broncos, holding off a late rally from Jake Plummer. On the game winning drive, Jake Plummer throws a killer interception to end the game... Chicago's offense finally decided to come out and play and St.Louis was unable to get Steven Jackson going, especially with a late snowstorm that developed... Washington rumbled behind Clinton Portis, edging out Tampa Bay in a classic...

Divisional Round:
Kansas City 14 at Indianapolis 28
Cincinatti 24 at New England 31

Washgington 17 at Seattle 31
Chicago 17 at Carolina 20

News and Notes: Kansas City's offense sputtered, while Peyton Manning played with renewed determination, and Indianapolis dominated time of possession... New England was able to outrun Cincinatti behind a record day yards wise from Tom Brady and a late sack on Carson Palmer... Washington seemed overmatched in every capacity in an easy win for Seattle that saw 3 TD passes from Matt Hasselbeck...In an ESPN Instant Classic, Carolina and Chicago slugged their way through 5 quarters, needing double overtime for Carolina to finally notch the game winning field goal. Brian Urlacher's 13 tackles and 2 INTs earned him a standing ovation from the Carolina crowd...

AFC Championship Game
New England 17 Indianapolis 20

NFC Championship Game
Seattle 17 at Carolina 31

Revenge is Indy's, as Peyton Manning finally closes the door on his choke artist reputation. Adam Vinatieri, who struggled all year, hits the game winning 48 yd field goal with time expiring to send the Colts to the Superbowl. Afterwards, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning share an emotional handshake/hug combo, as Tony Dungy approaches Bill Bellichek for the same, only to be met with an icy glare... Carolina's defense was the showcase here, scoring the game deciding 14 points off of turnovers, including an 85 yard fumble return in the 4th quarter to crush Seattle's spirit...

Super Bowl
Indianapolis 24, Carolina 21

SuperBowl XLI: In the first ever Superbowl to go into Overtime, Adam Vinatieri put another notch in his Hall of Fame career belt, as Peyton Manning led the Colts with 370 yards and 2 TDs...Carolina stormed back from a 17-7 halftime deficit to tie the game with 8 seconds remaining in regulation, but could not stop Manning as he took the opening drive of Overtime 85 yards setting up an Adam Vinatieri 28 yard field goal.

SuperBowl MVP: Peyton Manning

Both involve heavy drinking

2006-07-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

As the muse for Matt's NFL Preview, I figured I should have a preview of my own. College football starts up even earlier than the pros, so here's a primer to the season. For those of you either unfamiliar or apathetic to college football, never fear - I've compared each team to a band/singer to help you understand. On to the preview!

Rivals.com Preseason Top 25

1. Ohio State - The Killers

The Buckeyes sport an amazing amount of talent on offense, so look for some flashy plays this year from Troy Smith, Antonio Pittman and Ted Ginn, Jr. The defense might be a little shaky, but head coach Jim Tressel has always produced a solid defense, so that's comforting. Likewise, Hot Fuss made a big splash with its neo-nostalgic sound, but can The Killers settle into a groove of consistently producing great albums and justify its position on top? Both have about a year before we move on to someone new.

2. Notre Dame - Jay-Z

Amazing track record for both, but had some doubters until recently, when Charlie Weis (The Black Album) made everyone jump around and scream again. Both have the golden touch, whether it's converting Brady Quinn from an afterthought to the probable #1 NFL Draft pick next year or signing new hit artists as easy as signing your name. Both Weis and Carter (Jay-Z's real surname) have made seamless transitions: Weis from the NFL to the college ranks, and Carter from performing to management. Both face challenges still, however. Weis has to win a national title and Carter has to lure LeBron away from his home in Cleveland and into Brooklyn after buying the Nets.

3. West Virginia - Gnarls Barkley

West Virginia exploded onto the national radar after winning the Big East conference championship and pounding Georgia in the Sugar Bowl, particularly the first half. Now everyone is talking about them, and you wonder if they can do it again. Gnarls Barkley produced the hot summer album, punctuated by everyone's new favorite song, "Crazy," but was this collaboration a one-shot deal?

4. Southern Cal - Van Halen

It didn't matter if USC was led by Carson Palmer or Matt Leinart - they still racked up tons of yards, just like it didn't matter if Diamond Dave or Sammy Hagar was rocking the mic. Van Halen still put out platinum records because Eddie Van Halen is frigging amazing. USC's Eddie is Pete Carroll - say what you want about his performance in last year's Rose Bowl, but he can recruit with the best of them, making the Trojans a perennial national contender again.

5. LSU - The Hives

The Hives' Tyrannosaurus Hives might have been the best overall album of the post-post-punk explosion, but was quickly forgotten as other, more palatable bands made the scene. LSU's '03 squad might have actually been better than USC (damn you, Oklahoma), but the Tigers were left behind soon after. Both have a nasty streak in them, and they've been remarkably solid. You keep thinking they're going to break out, but the road ahead is probably just a little too tough, whether it's the SEC schedule or The White Stripes.

6. Texas - Tool

Maynard James Keenan, Tool's lead singer, is one of the most talented people on this planet. So is Vince Young, UT's former Superman QB. Like Young, Keenan proved he can excel in multiple ways, spinning off and starting A Perfect Circle, a slightly more subdued outfit. Young won the national title with both his passing and his running, and everyone knows they wouldn't have had a chance without him. Similarly, Tool would be far less without the brilliant frontman. Texas still has talent, without a doubt, but won't reach college football nirvana without Young.

7. Auburn - Ashlee Simpson

Jessica's little sister got a little "help" during her SNL performance and the 2005 Orange Bowl, just like Auburn got a little "help" from its sociology professors. Both are probably just desperately jealous with their older sibling's success (Alabama as big brother) and will do anything (radical image makeover, including nose job) in order to prove themselves. However, neither ever has a chance.

8. Florida - Oasis

They were both amazing in the '90s, but damn, were they ever obnoxious. Florida's swagger was justified to a point, just like Oasis had every right to be proud of their achievements, but not assume they were bigger than The Beatles. Both have since been put in their place (very few NFL stars/virulent public backlash), and now simply go about their business. The interesting part is that neither has obtained the success they had when they were both wildly egotistical. Chris Leak is Noel Gallagher to Danny Wuerffel's Liam - Leak is more singularly talented, but doesn't have it, while Wuerffel proved how little he can do on his own in the NFL, but knew how to control the college game like few have.

9. Oklahoma - Red Hot Chili Peppers

OU's dominance back in the day crumbled to the ground throughout the late 80s and most of the 90s, only to see a resurgence to prominence begun with their 2000 national championship. RHCP found themselves in a hole before Californication and Stadium Arcadium vaulted them back to the forefront of the musical landscape. You can see glimpses of their past in "Dani California" just as you can imagine RB Adrian Peterson tearing up defensive lines in the '60s for the glamour Sooners of old.

10. Miami - Britney Spears

Miami came out of nowhere in the 80s to become an absolute powerhouse in college football. Take a look at NFL rosters over the past 10 years and you'd be hard pressed to find any team with fewer than two players from "The U." Britney made a similar explosion with her career, becoming the biggest pop star in America after growing up in the Louisiana bayou. Unfortunately, she couldn't hide her trashiness forever, and her career is tainted as a result. Miami's had similar problems, whether it was drug abuse or domestic violence. Both had minor resurgencies (Miami's 2001 team or Britney's appearance with Madonna), but no matter what either of them do they can never escape who they are. Miami's at least trying, however, by letting troubled LB Willie Williams leave the program. Can Britney do the same with K-Fed?

11. Georgia - Counting Crows

Solid. Consistent. Unspectacular, but still really good. Everyone knows of them and likes them, but nobody gushes about them anymore. David Greene and David Pollack are gone, and the team has to find its new direction. DE Quentin Moses is a good start, just like "Big Yellow Taxi" put Counting Crows back on the map, but they need more. UGA needs freshman QB Matt Stafford to blow up just like Adam Duritz & Co. need an ultra-catchy hit to catapult them back amongst the elite.

12. Michigan - Rolling Stones

Michigan has won more games than any college football team in history, and The Rolling Stones have made more hit records than any band not from Liverpool. The only problem? Neither of them are all that good anymore and are just getting by on their name. Michigan was ranked #3 at the start of last season but fell out of the Top 25, while the Stones played halftime of the Superbowl, looking "aged after decades of overexposure." We know you both used to be the biggest deals in the world - it's not your world anymore.

13. Oregon - Eels

Just like the super-secretive E, nobody knows a thing about the Ducks. You know they're good, but if you had to give a definite reason why, you'd be stumped. Former QB Joey Harrington is Oregon's version of "Novacaine for the Soul," a superstar that got everyone's attention, and DT Haloti Ngata was "Your Lucky Day in Hell," a respectable if not overwhelming presence. Now? Coach Bellotti will have his hands full putting together another 10-win season, just like E will have to dig deep into his barrel of neuroticism to pull out an album that can compare to Beautiful Freak or Electro-shock Blues.

14. Florida State - Snoop Dogg

Both absolutely dominated in the '90s. Snoop churned out hits like rednecks make moonshine, and FSU couldn't be dragged out of the top 5 with barbed-wire rope and a trailer. Since 2000, though, both have been good, but probably resting a bit too much on their laurels. You have to respect them for what they've done, but you probably don't pay as much attention to them as you used to. Oh, and they've both run afoul of the law here and there. Nothing serious, but warrants mentioning.

15. Louisville - Lil' Jon

Lil' Jon is a hell of a lot of fun, but you know you're not hearing anything substantial. Since you know he's not thought-provoking enough to be on top forever, why not enjoy the ride while it lasts? Louisville is not an established football dynasty, so hopefully their fans will realize that after QB Brian Brohm and RB Michael Bush have taken their explosive offense with them, the party's over.

16. Penn State - NaS

Just as NaS lost the battle with Jay-Z to be the hottest rapper in New York, Penn State lost the battle with Notre Dame as the East Coast's adopted football team. Both are still extremely talented (PSU has the best LB in the nation with Paul Posluszny), but everyone knows they'll never emerge as top dog in the long run.

17. California - Christina Aguilera

Once again, we find ourselves with a team that looked poised to hoist its flag at the top of the mountain, only to lose by the slimmest of margins. Cal nearly knocked off USC in 2004, but doesn't have the staying power of the Trojans (clever, I know). Christina Aguilera had a chance to become queen of the pop world, but couldn't overtake Britney, and the window of opportunity was too small to allow a second chance. Even when some thought she should own the title of World's Biggest Pop Star, it never seemed to be, just when Cal handed USC its only loss of the season in 2003 yet watched them grab a share of the national title.

18. South Carolina - Sugar Ray

Toiling in obscurity for years, both sold their souls to achieve a glimmer of stardom. Very few know/remember that Sugar Ray was a metal band, releasing "Lemonade and Brownies." They went pop/funk/crap with "Floored" and really gave up with "14:59." South Carolina has never had a great football tradition, but by joining the SEC thought they could woo some players. Now they've hired Steve Spurrier (the Antichrist) in a sorry effort to whore themselves to high school football stars. Can you tell I'm not a fan of either?

19. Virginia Tech - 311

They've both hung around for a long time, but both get accused of being one-trick ponies: for VT it's easier a ridiculously athletic QB (one of the Vick brothers) or insane special teams, and for 311 it was putting out albums with one or two great songs and the rest as fillers. Even in their heyday, neither could fully grab the spotlight - 311 was competing with Sublime or the ska craze, and VT ran into Florida State in the 2000 Sugar Bowl. Now if only we could get Scott Stapp in a fight with the Louisville players...

20. Nebraska - Metallica

Metallica was the standard-bearer in metal for longer than anyone can remember, just as it appeared Nebraska had perfected the art of the option. Then Metallica sold out, just like Nebraska did when it hired Bill "West Coast Passing" Callahan. By going away from their roots, both are shells of their former selves, and much less relevant. In fact, you hope both would just go away.

21. UCLA - Slipknot

Unless you really pay attention to them, you don't really care. Nobody expects UCLA to be Pac-10 champs, just like nobody's waiting for Slipknot to headline the biggest tour of the summer. The fans are hardcore, but the outside world only perks up when something out of the ordinary happens. Think of an 8-3 season as the equivalent of playing a main stage at Ozzfest.

22. Clemson - The Wallflowers

Head coach Tommy Bowden is a good coach, but there's no way he's going to eclipse Bobby, one of the 10 best college football coaches in history. Maybe Tommy and Jakob Dylan should go out for beers sometime. At least Jakob's mom never had to watch her son's band face off against her husband. Anne Bowden says she won't watch the Clemson-FSU games, and with good reason. Nobody wants to watch their son get beat over and over again.

23. Iowa - Sunny Day Real Estate

Loads of talent, but they're not going to get a chance to shine. QB Drew Tate has a great offense, but losing LBs Chad Greenway and Abdul Hodge will be too much to overcome. Likewise, Sunny Day kept putting out great albums, but they couldn't connect with the right kind of fanbase to take off. Every now and then that flavor of indie rock will be a fad, but not enough to generate long-term interest. Recruting for college football works the same way - who the hell wants to play at Iowa?

24. Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Insert a "Sweet Home Alabama" joke here all you want, but it makes sense. Both were dominant forces in the 70s but each lost its leader (Ronnie Van Zant and Bear Bryant) and neither has been the same since. Oh, sure, Skynyrd put out a Greatest Hits album and Bama won the '92 championship, but you know it's never going to be like it used to. And both sets of fans are ridiculously stuck in the past.

25. Boston College - Reel Big Fish

Doug Flutie and "Sellout" are the only really big things that have come from either, but the faithful will not soon forget. I believe it's mandatory to show the clip of Flutie's Hail Mary to beat Miami at least twice every time those two play, and "One Hit Wonderful" includes snippets of RBF's only radio hit. Both fan groups keep hoping the magic can come back, but in the back of their minds they know it was the best it'll ever get.

Other Notables

Missouri - Gwen Stefani

First, don't kill me. Second, realize that her time in No Doubt was successful, but she found her true calling with poppy hip-hop (some of it bad, yes) and became a superstar. Gary Pinkel had some success with Brad Smith, but he's finally getting back to his comfort zone with new pocket passer Chase Daniel. There's some optimism in this, but what else would you expect?

Colorado - R. Kelly

Fine, so I just wanted to make a sex offender joke here. Sue me.

Tennessee - Creed

They just suck. There's no other way to put it - I hate them. Checklist time! Obnoxious? Check - if UT's bright orange was a person, I'd like to put it in a room with Scott Stapp and see who would cause the other to kill himself first. Horrible music? Check - Rocky Top and My Sacrifice are pretty good arguments why the First Amendment isn't always such a good idea. The only possible way they could be more connected is if Creed came out with a hit after Stapp left the band - it would be so reminiscient of UT's '99 national championship the year after Peyton Manning left.

Spend the next month reviewing this preview and committing it to memory. It might help you make some new friends, you never know.

QuickStop, meet the 3-4. 3-4, meet the QuickStop.

2006-07-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

Me: I need a theme for an NFL preview.

Jason: ooh, do an nfl preview relating to characters in kevin smith movies.

Me: genius.

why? because I have too much time on my hands waiting on NPs to get done saving the world and fill out application forms...

Without Further A Do...

THE 1ST ANNUAL ViewAskewniverse GridirionPREVIEW!

or...

How I Stole Yet Another Sports Guy Idea....

AFC East:
New England Patriots: Bartleby (Dogma) "We're going home, Loki! And no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself, is gonna make that otherwise. "

Smug. Arrogant. Consistent. Seemingly immortal. Yes, those pesky 3 of 4ers are the angel Bartleby, one of Ben Affleck's most likeable roles. This year the Patriots inspire the same conversations as always. "How good will Tom Brady be THIS year?" and "Who the hell is that guy playing corner who just made the ProBowl?" and the ever popular "How will they manage to screw the Colts this time?"

It's a toss-up between the Patriots and the Dolphins for the East. I'm giving the edge to the Patriots based on experience, the Brady factor, and Bellichek's obsession. I think in the end, much like Bartleby, they'll be destroyed by greater forces in crunch time.

Miami Dolphins: Chaka Luther King. (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2. "
Arrogant. Angry. Dictatorial. Sound like Nick Saban, only Black as all hell? Dolphins get Culpepper, with fresh new sea legs to go along with a fresh new sea knee. They've gotten back their defensive swagger, and Ronnie Brown is a punisher. The yearly comparison between him and fellow Auburn rookie class of 2005 Tampa Bay Buc Cadillac Williams is going to be awesome. But they're young, and still trying to make the transition from an aging, powerful but limited team to a young, powerful but limited team. It's possible that they could contend for a division title. Or it's possible that Joey Harrington could end up starting. And then, you know.

New York Jets: Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "Wow. That was just an incredibly daring escape."

In a long line of idiots in the View Askewniverse, it's a tie for top honors between Willenholly played by my brother's favorite, Will Ferrell and Holden from Chasing Amy for the "you fucking moron" award. Completely inept, kind of funny when you look at it, and if he hadn't been in the movie, you wouldn't have noticed. That's the Jets.

Buffalo Bills: Caitlyn Bree (Clerks). "So, we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?"

Caitlyn screwed around with Dante, and she ended up having sex in a convenience store bathroom with a dead guy.

The Bills screwed Drew Bledsoe, and they got J.P. Losman.

Seems equalitive.

AFC North:
Cincinatti Bengals: Hooper LaMount (Chasing Amy) "The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary."

Two sided personality. On the surface, cold, disciplined, brutal. In reality, kind of soft, educated, and prone to indulgance. The Bengals should have gained ground in the offseason. In reality, they just gained warrants and court fees. Still, they've got one of the best quarterbacks in the league (coming off of knee surgery), a solid running game (coming off a disappointing season), a dynamic receiver (who is three dance steps away from a suspension), and an intimidating defense (as long as it makes bail). Still, I think Palmer takes them to the conference title. How they bounce back from imprisonment will determine their playoff fate.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Azrael (Dogma) "No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air."

The biggest villain in the View Askewniverse. Interesting. Funny. But God, what a schmuck. Last season those mouth breathers got the Browns, Texans, and 49ers in three of their last four games while my Chiefs faced playoff contenders every week. Same record. Steelers get the Wild Card by one game. They face the Bengals, who were playing well, on their way to probably winning easily behind Palmer's cannon. Late hit. Massive inury. Steelers win. Who's behind that? Satan. Play the Colts. Manage to blow a considerable lead. Nick Harper's just got to head for the sideline and he's gone. He runs back infield because of his injured leg. Ben tackles him. Then. THEN Vanderjagt misses a 30+ field goal. Who could have engineered that? Satan. AFC Championship Game. Plummer remembers he's Plummer. Probably because the Morning Star told him. Super Bowl. Three. 3!!!!!! Horrible calls. Who could have rigged this game? Not Tags. No, no. Beelzebub.

Just as he came to collect on Kurt Warner, the fallen Son will collect on the Steelers. It started by them losing Randle El. It continued with Big Ben getting carved up like Road Rash. It will continue with reality coming back.

Not that I'm bitter.

Baltimore Ravens: Steve Dave (various)"Holy Shit. Un-ban us. This guy'll suck your dick."

This guy appears for about thirty seconds per-movie, drops a one-liner, his friend says "Tell 'em, Steve-Dave" and that's it. Much the way the Ravens appear for about thirty seconds, then vanish, this season with a new tagline: "Steve McNair on IR."

Cleveland Browns: Veronica Loughran (Clerks) "Ummm... 37. "

Veronica sucked 37 dicks. (Not in a row). The Browns have brought in a ton of new players. They signed Willie McGinnest, which is worth like, 8-12 dicks right there. Plus they've traded players over the last few years. Yet still, we all kind of hope they get better. The city lost it's team and then that team won the Super Bowl, for God's sake. We want to see them succeed, much the way we want Dante to stop being a douchebag with Caitlyn and appreciate the girl that brings him lasagne.

AFC South:
Indianapolis Colts:Loki (Dogma) "Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer. "

Unlimited power. The Angel of Death. Kind of a sweet guy. Destroyed by his partner and brother Bartleby in the end. Yes, something always keeps the Colts down, regardless of the wings and flaming sword. I will say the same thing I always say. "Eventually, Peyton's going to overcome everything." Peyton did his job last year. They won the most games. He got home field. He drove them the lenght of the field, setting up the game tying field goal (and you know there's no way that team loses in overtime). Vanderjagt fucked him. And no, he shouldn't have questioned his offensive line. And no, they shouldnt' have gotten rid of Edge. But he's still the best qb in the league, with a great defense, and an awesome core of receivers. They're still going to do what they do best. Kill people. No, not you.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Randall Graves (Clerks, Clerks II) "Fuck you, GoBot."

So much potential. So little motivation. The second funniest character in the View Askewniverse (behind Brodie) is similar to the Jags. Interesting, and dangerous when motivated. With Jimmy Smith retiring, the Jags are gearing their future behind brittle qb Leftwhich and Matt Jones (who?). Tough defense, and they cause serious problems for the top tier teams they face. Unfortunately, they're always stuck one gear short of where they need to be. And really, how do they contend without the Show? We're going to need a bigger boat.

Tennessee Titans: Elias (Clerks II) "One ring to rule them all..."

I loved this kid in Clerks II. He's the biggest dork you'll ever see. He's a transformers fan. He thinks there's a troll in his girlfriend's vagina. And by the end, he's high as a kite, drinking himself stupid and jerking off to something really fucked up. In other words, looks like shit, but has potential. Meet the Titans with Vince Young. The big concern here is that the Titans are looking at trading Chris Brown, which could seriously fuck up their running game, if Lendell White doesn't peel back on the White Castles by the start of the season. People would say that getting rid of Steve McNair was blasphemy, but the sonofabitch has more holes in him than a holy bartender. They've got building blocks, including the Chosen One.

Houston Texans: Julie Dwyer. (Clerks). (no line applicable because she has an embolysm and dies before Clerks starts)

Dead before the movie/season starts.

AFC West:
Denver Broncos: Jay (various)
Jay is obnoxious. Plummer is obnoxious. Jay is a fuckup. Plummer is a fuckup. Jay occasionally stumbles his way into greatness. Plummer stumbled his way into the fucking AFC championship game. Jay is willing to lie, cheat, steal to get what he wants. The Broncos offensive line makes Bertuzzi look like Lance Armstrong. Yes, the Broncs are definitely snootch to the nooge. I don't really think they'll win the division. I refuse to believe that Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne can get to 1500 yards again, and Plummer won't forget he's Jake Plummer like he did last season. That said, I'm terrified of Javon Walker. Oh yeah, and the latent homosexuality in terms of Mike Shanahan makes me giggle.

Kansas City Chiefs: Silent Bob (various) "Adventure, excitement... a Jedi craves not these things."

What, you thought I was going to give my team a shitty character? No, no. Think about it, though. Hampered by Jay (or as Holden says, speaking for Bob, in JaSBSB: "Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"). Kind of slow, but resourceful and skillfull. We're Chasing Amy, having seen the light of a championship, but lost it back in '63. As always, I believe this year will be the year. With Johnson the scariest running back in the league, DJ coming into full form, Trent Green with 1-2 more good years left, and our new addition of Ty Law (Jedi Mind Trick), we could make a run.

Or, you know, Bob could sit there and smoke, like always.

Side note: no one scares me more for the future of my franchise than Larry Johnson. Peterson selected Johnson because he recognized his talent, but Holmes was Vermeil's guy (rightfully so). He's angry. All the TIME. He's friends with Jay-Z. Is there anyone more likely to bug out on my team than this guy? Him ditching us would send the Chiefs back into running back by committee hell. Kill me. Oh yeah, and there's always the chance for the "KCPD respond to Johnson house on reports of screams, odd smell." The guy's a fucking psycho. That could run for 2,000 yards this season.

San Diego Chargers: T. S. Quint (Mallrats) "How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court? "

Means well, but really annoying. Also, doesn't Schottenheimer remind you of the kind of guy that would want to get married on the Jaws ride at Universal Studios?

Oakland Raiders: The Golgothan.(Dogma) Evil, dangerous, full of shit. In the end, will ultimately be vanquished by the forces of good. And by the fact that Aaron Brooks is their QB.

NFC East:
Washington Redskins: Leonardo Leonardo (Clerks: The Animated Series) "Well played, clerks. "

Leonardo attemps to rule the world by buying whatever he wants. Hmmm...Daniel Snyder anybody? I think this is the year that Leonardo is victorious. I like the Skins to win the Division. They've got everybody from last year's playoff team, plus Randle El. They only lost Arrington, who was big, but they can cover. And Portis is due for one of those "Oh, yeah, remember? I was an MVP candidate three years ago" years. Santana Moss has finally found a system he can work in. Unfortunately, the end will come when there's no one to get those weapons the ball, as Brunell passes away from old age.

NY Giants: Gwen Turner (Mallrats) "Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?"

The most underrated character in the View Askewniverse and the one girl I have the biggest crush on in the View Askewniverse. Tiki Barber, always a 900-1,000 yard back. The younger Manning brother, who's learning curve keeps sharpening. Yet, no one talks about them. Need to overcome the defensive questions and Strahan's cap room opening up in two years will help tremendously. But for now, they're stuck in the hardest division with not enough weapons.

Dallas Cowboys: Shannon Hamilton (Mallrats) " That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair. "

The second biggest villain in the View Askewniverse. Immensely cocky. Kind of a douchebag. Style over substance. How BOUT them Cowboys? With the addition of T.O. its' pretty clear that the Cowboys are headed to the same fate as Shannon. Looking like victory is within reach, only to find that he is the one getting fucked in a very uncomfortable place (like the back of a Volkswagen).

Philadelphia Eagles: Alyssa Jones (Chasing Amy) "I love you, I always will. Know that. But I'm not your fucking whore."

Alyssa goes through a world of shit (T.0.) and comes out better on the other side. I like the Eagles to be better than they were last year, and to be a solid football team enjoying football again. Unfortunately, much like Alyssa's being a woman, they'll never get to fuck anything as long as McNabb is the QB. But that's okay, she was happier as a lesbian anyway.

NFC North:
Chicago Bears: Banky Edwards (Chasing Amy) "YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!"

Vicious. Fucked up. Insecure. Welcome to life as the NFC North Champ. Banky has a seious complex, because he's actually gay (much like the bears are actually a finesse team. C'mon! Florida QB! Dynamic wide receiver core! Slash and dash running game!). Banky is also incredibly funny, author of my favorite quote from the View Askewniverse. "filled out like an application." Banky ends up okay, when he gets to know himself. Same deal with the Bears. I like them for the NFC Championship game.

Minnesota Vikings: Chrissy (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "..we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches."

The rest of the NFC North are the environmental terrorist/jewel thieves. Ridiculous, useless, and pretty much there to pad the season.

Green Bay Packers: Sissy (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "Your shit is really getting tired, Justice."
The Packers get the leader of the "issies" because they have Bret Favre, and Ahman Green. In the end, Justice kicks her ass. Pretty much same deal here. Though I don't like how comfortable everyone's gotten with betting against Bret Favre...

Detroit Lions: Chrissy (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) "Great, he's retarded to boot." I have nothing to say about her. Um.... the Harrington Era is over? Hail John Kitna?! Wait. I know! Fire Millen!

NFC South:
Carolina Panthers: Brodie Bruce (Mallrats) "Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies."

The coolest character in Mallrats and funniest in the View Askewniverse goes to my Super Bowl pick, the Panthers. Vicious, arrogant, extremely capable once they are able to apply themselves. And now they have a diluted Keyshawn to take the heat off. Now if that kid (the Bucs) would just get off the damn escalator!

Tampa Bay Bucaneers: Lance Dowds (Clerks II)

The bad guy that wins. That's pretty much the Bucs. You sort of like Dowds, even when he's trashing Dante and Randall. And he offers to help out Elias. I like the Bucs for the Wildcard, probably losing in the second round. .

Atlanta Falcons: Rene Mosier (Mallrats)

Brody's girlfriend. Appropriate. Gets fucked by Brody, has her moments of strength, and is the second hottest girl in the movie, even though her character is a little flat. Michael Vick, anyone?

New Orleans Saints: Rufus (Dogma) "That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks"

I'm trying to wish some good luck on them. But they have some potential, now, with Brees and Bush. These guys could shock the hell out of everyone and contend for a WildCard.

NFC West:
Seattle Seahawks: Dante Hicks (Clerks, Clerks II) "I'm not even supposed to be here today!"

Even though they did get jobbed by the refs, the Seahawks whined so bad after the Superbowl even I was disgusted. They can still drive a film though, much the way Dante helped carry Clerks II. Limited by Hubris. I think they'll suffer from Super Bowl loser hangover.

St. Louis Rams: Tricia Jones AKA "Trish the Dish" (Mallrats) "Nobody calls me that."
Has sex with everyone. She ends up having an award winning book. Smart, small, and sluttly. The St. Louis original. Constantly searching for validation, even though they won the Superbowl 4 years ago.

Arizona Cardinals: William Black (Mallrats) "Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat. "
William is constantly staring into the 3d picture looking for the fabled schooner... I mean, sailboat. Wait, a schooner is a sailboat. There is no Easter Bunny. The last parts of the movie indicate that he does see it,eventually. Maybe this is the year, with Edge, Warner healthy and a backup in Leinert, and a new stadium, that the Cardinals finally see the sailboat. I mean, schooner.

San Francisco 49ers: Serendipity. "So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck."

The muse that can kick some ass. The 49ers are building a solid team. They've got the looks of Salma Hayek, they just need a role.

I need a hobby.

Snoogans!

Jesus, You Never Realize How Bad Saturday Afternoons suck until College Football Ends

2004-12-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

Some random thoughts, besides the title...

I was talking to D@n P*r$chW!tz and I noted that Leinert joins the prestigous group of white college superstars to fail miserably in the pros. This sparked a conversation about near Heisman winners, which prompted Big Poppa to ask,

"And what about Brad Banks? Whatever happened to that guy?"

and because I have too much free time when I'm avoiding actual work, I answered this for him, and the answer is pretty funny.

Turns out Banks was signed in 2003 as an unrestricted free agent by the Washington Redskins after narrowly losing the Heisman award to Carson Palmer. This was a necessity personnel decision made before then-coach Steve Spurrier completely went bug-fuck.

Sure enough, two weeks later, Spurrier decided it was time for a change and signed his old buddy, former Heisman award winner Danny Wuerfell. Without the roster space, Banks was released and has never been heard from again.

The happy side of the story was Danny Wuerfell, who led the Skins to a 14-1 record and an appearance in the Superbowl. This is of course, complete fantasy, much like the world Steve Spurrier lives in.

Dan Young has settled the Detroit fans suck versus Philly fans blow argument, as he shared with me this tasty morsel from a fellow Philly fan:

"We boo safe landings at airports."

If I were Jim Rome, I would say "Strong." Followed by uncomfortable pauses and rhetorical questions and then more uncomfortable pauses.

So, I've been purusing the lines for the bowl games. And salivating. I wish I were a bookie. What a friggin great time this must be for them. NFL playoffs probably get more action, but check some of these out:

Virginia giving Fresno State 5&1/2, with FS coming in at 175 on the line. If I had money, I think FS has earned that much.

Miami Ohio giving Iowa State 3 even at -150 and an over/under of 50.5. We're talking about Miami OH and a Big 12 North team. If i had money, I'm taking the under.

Oklahoma State versus Ohio State, Cowboys giving 2. Not much action, but OK State is pretty safe in my mind, if I had money.

In the OH MY GOD WHY department: California giving Texas Tech 11.5 with the money line at -500. Let me restate that for those that don't gamble. You have to gamble 500 dollars on Cal to win 100. Stay away. Stay far, far away.

Purdue giving 7 to Arizona State, with an over/under of 55.5. If I had money, I'd take the over. Purdue's quarterback kid is just that good.

Louisville giving 14 to Boise State. Boise State is at +400. If you'd rather have fun with a hundred dollars than be safe on it, take BS. I mean, it's about the same in my mind as putting a hundred on roullette.

Bulldogs giving Badgers 7 at +240. Badgers can cover with that defense, if I had money.

Aggies giving Volunteers 3, with the Vols at +130. Hmmm... SEC West winner versus the Big 12 South no.3.... me likey... if I had money.

Auburn giving VT 7. They will be pissed. If I had money, it's worth the -270.

Concerning MNF: The Chiefs didn't choke in crunch time two weeks in a row. If only we hadn't done it four times in the first five games, maybe I wouldn't want to run over my own head.

What can I say about the Missouri Tigers basketball season thus far?

No, seriously. What can I say?

Oh I know. Arkansas beat them. I simultaneously am thrilled and am slamming my head into my desk.

Finally, I must say, Pedro, WHY?!!!!!

Wait Games

2004-11-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

Things in sports I'm waiting on:

1. The Annual Derailment of the "Maybe Grant Hill is finally healthy and will stay that way!" Wagon.

2. The BCS to (hopefully) obliterate itself.

3. Petyon Manning to throw for 350, 4 TDs playing with the Benton County, MO Home for the Elderly all stars.

4. The Heat to play the Lakers and Dwayne Wade after popping for 35-10-2 (versus Kobe's 29-0-0-0) to go running down the court staring at Kobe doing the "You have no marbles!" motion from Major League 2.

5. George Steinbrenner (after watching Star Wars: Episode 2) to fire all the Yankees except for Jeter and Matsui, clone Jeter over and over again, then construct a new starting rotation... of robots.

6. The Royals announce their motto for the 2005-2006 season: "We make good teams better."

7. Carlos Beltran to make his "real" contract demands: One million, billion, gazillion, gogajazillion dollars...."

8. Ron Artest to be arrested. Odds have to be at least 5-1.

9. The city of Philadelphia to rejoice as Detroit overtakes them for "crappiest fans you can imagine."

10. Gary Pinkel to reveal his true identity... HAREY CAREY! "Hey Norm! I think I'll batton down the hatches on one of the best pure athletes in the country, and whenever we have a lead, I think I'll have my head explode like in that movie, "Scanners!" It'll be fun! Hey Norm! If you were a Jayhawk, would you eat yourself? I would! I'd cover myself in barbecue and slow roast myself in herbs and spices! I'd be delicious!" Shoot me.

11. Auburn to invade the Orange Bowl (if they're left out) and beat both teams in succession.

12. USC to jump the shark.

13. Priest Holmes to rush for 350 yards (NFL record) 8 touchdowns (NFL record) and for the Chiefs to still lose. Shoot me, again.

14. Texas fans to lose to A&M and still talk about how they should be in a BCS bowl.

15. It to officially change from the "Ewing Theory" to the "McGrady Theory."

16. Joe Paterno to lock himself in his office after being fired with a shotgun and twenty bags of sunflower seeds as sustenance.

17. Eli Manning to run screaming away from the game Sunday like the rookie pitcher in the beginning of "The Rookie" with Albert Brooks.

18. T.O. to just start referring to himself constantly in the third person.

19. Tom Brady to walk on water, and then Corey Dillon to betray him in the Superbowl.

20. Us to find out that Bill Walton is actually watching a completely separate game on his monitor during broadcast, explaining why NOTHING HE SAYS MAKES SENSE.

21. Stephen A. Smith to start doing all his commentaries with "Stomp" in the background. Hallelujah!

22. The Saints to rename themselves the New Orleans Schizophrenics.

23. ESPN to take Clayton, Pasquerelli, and Kiper and just have their brains digitzed and downloaded into a server system.

24. The Vince trade to go through and the Trailblazers to rename themselves the Egomaniacs.

25. Someone, anyone in the continental United States to notice that the NHL is not playing.

Terrell Owens....What a Dick.

2004-11-18T01:17:00.000-08:00

Let's start with the numbers (courtesy of ESPN.com).

Terrell Owens-9 Seasons- 647 catches for 9,456 yards and 93 touchdowns.
Randy Moss- 7 seasons- 551 for 8769 yards and 85 touchdowns.
Marvin Harrison-9 Seasons- 806 catches for 10,660 yards and 90 touchdowns.

Yeah, I'm officially sick of the "Terrell Owens/Randy Moss are the best recievers in football/should be MVP" arguments.

And it has little to do with those numbers.

Lets put them in context. Of the three, only Harrison has played his career in a steady, balanced offense with a reliable pro-bowl running back and a quarterback that could probably pull ten catches for 80 yards out of Marlin Brando circa the Island of Dr. Moreau. This only strenthens his case because Peyton can spread the ball. As the Vikings are finding out, Culpepper can't. Not yet, anyway.

Harrison is the only one who is reliable, consistent and most importantly, always comes to play. Marvin is a reciever, therefore blocking is against his nature, but he gets the job done and is in the top of the league at doing so.

But most of all...

Harrison just gets the job done.

No arrests for running over meter maids. No taking plays off because he's not getting thrown to. No fancy shmancy endzone celebrations. No MNF promos with middle age desperate ratings magnets. No trashing former QBs in Playboy. No screaming arguments with Peyton in the middle of a big game if things aren't going well.

All Marvin Harrison has done is, you know, BREAK THE SINGLE SEASON RECEPTIONS RECORD!!!!!!!!!!!

And still, Harrison did not win it.

Yet, when Terrell Owens takes an above average team that relies on its defense and coaching, and which was exposed versus the Steelers to a high winning mark, everyone jumps on the wagon. "Oh, he can gloat like that because he's the best."

Guess what? He's not.

He yelled at Donovan when things didn't go well, just like he yelled at Jeff "Rodny Dangerfield" Garcia. He's a problem that happens to put up good numbers.

Another huge point for Harrison: He makes his team better.

You think Edge is getting 4.5 ypc because of his imposing stature? No, its because teams are doubling up Harrison. And Marvin's still getting the job done.

But he doesn't make headlines. He goes out, wins games, makes catches, scores touchdowns. And he's done it more than TO.

TO is an amzing athlete. And he's having a great season, no doubt.

Unfortunately, he's doing so in the NFC East. And there' s more competition in the NHL than from the Cowboys and Skins this year. But no worries, they won the big game against the Steel---wait.

And when teams lock down on Staley and blitz McNabb, and T.O. doesn't get thrown to, instead of working harder over the middle, he's going to complain and yell at Donovan and Coach Reid.

But that's cool.

Because I have no doubt Marvin will get his ring first.

And he'll wear it with more pride than T.O. has in his pom-poms.